After my son died in 2020 I kept losing weight. By fall of 2021, I wondered if it was a symptom and had all my cancer screenings. I had always declined mammograms but finally had one (21 years late per my doctor). Was diagnosed with DCIS (early stage Breast CA). A big part of me wants to leave it be and go be with my son. I can't share that with the other children or very many other people because they might think I am suicidal. It isn't suicidal. I'm not tempted to take my life by my own hand as my son did, but to put it in God's hands and letting nature take it's course.
I did eventually get a lumpectomy but I am refusing radiation TX. So I went halfway with medicine and I'm going the rest of the way with trusting "Thy will be done". The doctors seem perplexed that I am not afraid and that I am so stubborn about this. I've had a good run and I have loved ones on the other side...
Hi Gigi. I feel like I would be handling it and thinking about it exactly like you are. Most people fear death as we could/can tell through the whole covid crisis. They are deathly afraid of death and are or were willing to sacrifice freedom, children's development, and suspend their critical thinking skills because of it. Death is and has been part of the life cycle. Living a life of love and getting to know the Creator and Redeemer is to me, the best way to live and unless one understands that, they don't have eyes to see or ears to hear about not fearing death. It seems crazy to them. There's a proverb somewhere! Do you know that contemporary song "Thy Will be Done?"
Thank you for this. I lost my partner in January and I’ve been struggling (to say the least). Every hour feels like a hurdle and I never know if it’ll be the manageable kind or one where I’ll be physically bedridden, wailing into the silence. It’s overwhelmingly dreadful to imagine a universe where I’ll no longer see her again. I watch videos, look at pictures, reread our texts, listen to our voice memos daily so I never forget. But I’m so fearful of forgetting her touch, her smell, the way she walked, and just existed. It’s unbearable. I’ve finally begun to feel her around me. I feel her responding to certain things I say. I feel a warmth when I’m going to sleep. Or when I’m crying. And I’ve finally communicated with her in my dreams, which could be all in my head, but it gives me hope that one day I’ll see her again somewhere. But yeah, the wait to get there is a long elevator ride.
Hi Kelsey. Welcome! And know there are no words that really help when you are in so much pain.
Words do not, but what is behind/underneath the words do. I don't know if you saw this is a Christ-centered blog, but I literally felt God's love holding me, my husband, and son up in those initials hours and days through the people we had in our lives -past present, and future.
God used, and is still using, them whether they knew Him or not, because He created us in His image. The goodness is inate and so it's Him working through them. We would not have survived our broken hearts. Most of the people around me Do know this God, so He was able to use them extraordinarily. I think it's how much people allow Him in though. Know Him barely? He can only work through those people barely. Know him intimately? Talk to Him every day, all day? Is He your go - to? Almost all of our support is from people whom He is their go -to so we remain strong much of the time.
I know many of the readers here will join me in praying for you to just feel His love and peace at least temporarily, meaning a switch isn't going to flip and all of a sudden you're not dying inside, but that just the right person reaches out to you at just the right moment so you'll experience what I'm referring to. Read from the beginning to and see what has happened, and is continuing to happen with my grief and how God is there in it.
I looked at your profile and saw you are from Portland. My son was born there in 1994.
Hubby and I met there - he at Reed College at the time. We lived in Portland for years and still have friends and relatives there. Are you a native? I promise not to be preachy if you stay here to get support. I believe we pray-ers will be able to comfort you. I really do!
I know what you mean about watching videos, reading and re-reading texts. On an old broken phone I have is all the texts from October 2021 to July 2022, and my current phone has from then until she passed. There are hundreds if not close to a thousand, and surprisingly I spent probably 3-4 hours reading them TODAY and I still didn't get through!
After my son died in 2020 I kept losing weight. By fall of 2021, I wondered if it was a symptom and had all my cancer screenings. I had always declined mammograms but finally had one (21 years late per my doctor). Was diagnosed with DCIS (early stage Breast CA). A big part of me wants to leave it be and go be with my son. I can't share that with the other children or very many other people because they might think I am suicidal. It isn't suicidal. I'm not tempted to take my life by my own hand as my son did, but to put it in God's hands and letting nature take it's course.
I did eventually get a lumpectomy but I am refusing radiation TX. So I went halfway with medicine and I'm going the rest of the way with trusting "Thy will be done". The doctors seem perplexed that I am not afraid and that I am so stubborn about this. I've had a good run and I have loved ones on the other side...
Hi Gigi. I feel like I would be handling it and thinking about it exactly like you are. Most people fear death as we could/can tell through the whole covid crisis. They are deathly afraid of death and are or were willing to sacrifice freedom, children's development, and suspend their critical thinking skills because of it. Death is and has been part of the life cycle. Living a life of love and getting to know the Creator and Redeemer is to me, the best way to live and unless one understands that, they don't have eyes to see or ears to hear about not fearing death. It seems crazy to them. There's a proverb somewhere! Do you know that contemporary song "Thy Will be Done?"
Thank you for this. I lost my partner in January and I’ve been struggling (to say the least). Every hour feels like a hurdle and I never know if it’ll be the manageable kind or one where I’ll be physically bedridden, wailing into the silence. It’s overwhelmingly dreadful to imagine a universe where I’ll no longer see her again. I watch videos, look at pictures, reread our texts, listen to our voice memos daily so I never forget. But I’m so fearful of forgetting her touch, her smell, the way she walked, and just existed. It’s unbearable. I’ve finally begun to feel her around me. I feel her responding to certain things I say. I feel a warmth when I’m going to sleep. Or when I’m crying. And I’ve finally communicated with her in my dreams, which could be all in my head, but it gives me hope that one day I’ll see her again somewhere. But yeah, the wait to get there is a long elevator ride.
Hi Kelsey. Welcome! And know there are no words that really help when you are in so much pain.
Words do not, but what is behind/underneath the words do. I don't know if you saw this is a Christ-centered blog, but I literally felt God's love holding me, my husband, and son up in those initials hours and days through the people we had in our lives -past present, and future.
God used, and is still using, them whether they knew Him or not, because He created us in His image. The goodness is inate and so it's Him working through them. We would not have survived our broken hearts. Most of the people around me Do know this God, so He was able to use them extraordinarily. I think it's how much people allow Him in though. Know Him barely? He can only work through those people barely. Know him intimately? Talk to Him every day, all day? Is He your go - to? Almost all of our support is from people whom He is their go -to so we remain strong much of the time.
I know many of the readers here will join me in praying for you to just feel His love and peace at least temporarily, meaning a switch isn't going to flip and all of a sudden you're not dying inside, but that just the right person reaches out to you at just the right moment so you'll experience what I'm referring to. Read from the beginning to and see what has happened, and is continuing to happen with my grief and how God is there in it.
I looked at your profile and saw you are from Portland. My son was born there in 1994.
Hubby and I met there - he at Reed College at the time. We lived in Portland for years and still have friends and relatives there. Are you a native? I promise not to be preachy if you stay here to get support. I believe we pray-ers will be able to comfort you. I really do!
I know what you mean about watching videos, reading and re-reading texts. On an old broken phone I have is all the texts from October 2021 to July 2022, and my current phone has from then until she passed. There are hundreds if not close to a thousand, and surprisingly I spent probably 3-4 hours reading them TODAY and I still didn't get through!