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Gigi's avatar

After my son died in 2020 I kept losing weight. By fall of 2021, I wondered if it was a symptom and had all my cancer screenings. I had always declined mammograms but finally had one (21 years late per my doctor). Was diagnosed with DCIS (early stage Breast CA). A big part of me wants to leave it be and go be with my son. I can't share that with the other children or very many other people because they might think I am suicidal. It isn't suicidal. I'm not tempted to take my life by my own hand as my son did, but to put it in God's hands and letting nature take it's course.

I did eventually get a lumpectomy but I am refusing radiation TX. So I went halfway with medicine and I'm going the rest of the way with trusting "Thy will be done". The doctors seem perplexed that I am not afraid and that I am so stubborn about this. I've had a good run and I have loved ones on the other side...

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Kelsey's avatar

Thank you for this. I lost my partner in January and I’ve been struggling (to say the least). Every hour feels like a hurdle and I never know if it’ll be the manageable kind or one where I’ll be physically bedridden, wailing into the silence. It’s overwhelmingly dreadful to imagine a universe where I’ll no longer see her again. I watch videos, look at pictures, reread our texts, listen to our voice memos daily so I never forget. But I’m so fearful of forgetting her touch, her smell, the way she walked, and just existed. It’s unbearable. I’ve finally begun to feel her around me. I feel her responding to certain things I say. I feel a warmth when I’m going to sleep. Or when I’m crying. And I’ve finally communicated with her in my dreams, which could be all in my head, but it gives me hope that one day I’ll see her again somewhere. But yeah, the wait to get there is a long elevator ride.

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