Nightly Gathering
Open Thread Post 49
I keep thinking more about the grief group that I mentioned the other day - the one where my hubby and I will go to retreat weekend at the beginning of May. I gave the link, but it is actually called “While We’re Waiting.” That is the perfect name. Absolutely perfect. I believe I mentioned once in these blog posts that I do believe I will see Morgan again, but it bugs me that I probably have to wait 25-30 years to do so, based on my genetics etc. It just feels much too long. How do we live “while we’re waiting?” That is the question that all parents who lost a child and believe in the afterlife have to ask themselves. I don’t want to die now, but I don’t want to wait so long. It’s really not up to me I guess.
Anybody can use these open thread posts to share, ask questions, vent, or comment about grief as you’d like. Thank you all for reading! Sleep well, or have a great day (depending on when you open this post!)
After my son died in 2020 I kept losing weight. By fall of 2021, I wondered if it was a symptom and had all my cancer screenings. I had always declined mammograms but finally had one (21 years late per my doctor). Was diagnosed with DCIS (early stage Breast CA). A big part of me wants to leave it be and go be with my son. I can't share that with the other children or very many other people because they might think I am suicidal. It isn't suicidal. I'm not tempted to take my life by my own hand as my son did, but to put it in God's hands and letting nature take it's course.
I did eventually get a lumpectomy but I am refusing radiation TX. So I went halfway with medicine and I'm going the rest of the way with trusting "Thy will be done". The doctors seem perplexed that I am not afraid and that I am so stubborn about this. I've had a good run and I have loved ones on the other side...
Thank you for this. I lost my partner in January and I’ve been struggling (to say the least). Every hour feels like a hurdle and I never know if it’ll be the manageable kind or one where I’ll be physically bedridden, wailing into the silence. It’s overwhelmingly dreadful to imagine a universe where I’ll no longer see her again. I watch videos, look at pictures, reread our texts, listen to our voice memos daily so I never forget. But I’m so fearful of forgetting her touch, her smell, the way she walked, and just existed. It’s unbearable. I’ve finally begun to feel her around me. I feel her responding to certain things I say. I feel a warmth when I’m going to sleep. Or when I’m crying. And I’ve finally communicated with her in my dreams, which could be all in my head, but it gives me hope that one day I’ll see her again somewhere. But yeah, the wait to get there is a long elevator ride.