I woke up today ready for a walk with the dog before it got too hot. I decided on The Spot and listened to the beginning of the Jordan Peterson roundtable podcast where about six men discuss the book of Exodus. It didn't fail to entertain and educate and it should keep me busy for several walks at least. I stopped to tell Morgan that I was going to do my best for her.
I meant two things by that. One, live a life of purpose with her cheerleading behind me. Two, work to make sure she did not die in vain.
Today I had reason to delve back into the medical records, which is traumatic as it takes me to the worst day of my life. I found a few new things that lit a fire of anger that burned inside of me. There is nothing wrong with righteous anger. Evan Jesus had righteous anger.
Oh how I wish Morgan had chosen better men to fall in love with. Was she rebelling against us by her choices? There was one from late highschool and the last one who ARE JUST NOT GOOD PEOPLE.
Those are the biggest questions sometimes. I know she would only date men that were not overly effusive toward her, and only smart men who had a sense of humor. After that was it chemistry? My role to my adult child was to advise when advice was asked for and stay positive. Sure, she'd complain to me about the last one, but I told her if she thinks he's the one, then they need to work it out between them and not bring others into it.
I hated that he is an atheist, but thought maybe this was his chance to learn about and know God through our family.
I was able to work semi coherently today and I probably should have taken the day off. I let it all boil around in me and decided the only healthy way to alleviate the buildup was to take a long hike. Even though it was in the low 90s, I headed over to Cathedral. The dam burst in the car and my eyes were still wet as I began. The frickin’ gnats kept wanting the wetness of my eyelashes at the beginning! Terrible!
The higher I climbed, the more I thought, the better I eventually felt. The endorphins brought my body back into a state of normalcy. I honestly tried to get mad at God. “How could you allow this to happen?” but I immediately knew that intellectually He is God and I am not. I see three dimensional, he probably sees a hundred dimensions. I know my place as a human is lowly. Getting mad at God, who is LOVE, makes no sense to me.
Back at home after dinner, hubby and I processed it all a bit more and I got hot so I sprang up off the couch and turned on the ceiling fan. Just like that other time, a pretty strong sweet yellow cake/sugar cookie smell wafted down. Same thing as last time. “Do you smell that again?” “Yes!”
Just in case it had possibly been related to a little wax warmer that had been on the coffee table, I moved that last week. The smell of that was completely different, but yet the only thing that semi-fit. But we've had that ceiling fan on a lot; all day Sunday actually because our air conditioner had an issue which was fixed yesterday (Thank God!). What in the world makes it smell like that SUDDENLY?
I'm emotionally exhausted as I prepare for bed. Tomorrow is a new day and I shall begin again.
God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.
Psalms 23:1-6 MSG
All of us often look at the choices our kids are making and we have to shudder. When they are adults, there is absolutely nothing we can do except pray them. I’m positive you did everything you could possibly do to encourage Morgan to make better choices.
I question my being a mother all the time and how many times I mess up. A
LOT!! I was praying to God about that this morning. How I feel I’ve messed my kids up and still doing it. Reading through the medical records I know is heartbreaking. The mistakes the doctors made. There’s always a question, what if, that will drive you to anger. I’m praying for.