Mother’s Day is coming and the sad emotions keep bubbling up as the week progresses. I just have to let the thought of her being gone enter my brain, and like a Pavlovian response, my eyes will tear up and my throat begins to tighten.
That’s how it was for the first many months after she passed, and then it slowly subsided over the past 2 years and 4 plus months, where it takes more than the average day to feel as affected.
I Can’t Imagine having a Mother’s Day where this won’t happen, and that’s just the way it is. This year I do get to spend part of it with my son, the first time in many years, so I will have grieved in the morning and I’ll enjoy the afternoon and evening with him and his girlfriend, my hubby, and perhaps we’ll be joining other relatives up in Nashville, too. (I left it to the son to figure out).
Sometimes it’s like I torture myself. What do I mean? Most people do things to avoid the sadness completely, but if I feel I’ve come across something that really reminds me of her, like a new song, I want to listen to it even though it makes me sad. It’s like having her and not having her at the same time.
I also begin to question myself and wonder if I should remain silent more often. If I remember something about her, I’ll say it. I’ll say it to my my hubby, son, son’s girlfriend, any number of my own friends whether they knew her or not. I can’t help myself, but I wonder if they are thinking something like, “You always have to bring her up.” I don’t think I ALWAYS bring her up, but I’m sure I do a lot. Who doesn’t want to talk about their children? It’s what moms do! I can’t help that mine is gone and all I have left is the past (or distant future of heaven some day).
I thought I’d share the two most recent songs that I can’t seem to get enough of. For those who don’t like to click, I’m adding the lyrics, too. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms whose kids are her or passed. Thanks for reading.
The first one reminds me of her because, as my cousin Jenny says, the baby and little kid memories don’t really hurt as much because we’ve all lost that version of our children. The ones that hurt, but hurt good because they are good memories, are the ones where she is an adult. After Morgan’s first summer back from college, she never really lived with us again (except during a few months when the university shut down during spring 2020). We didn’t get to see her often, so when we did we usually celebrated by going out to eat, a pub, a microbrewery, etc. and we’d tip a few back over the course of a night. I have many fun memories of her as an adult.
Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the "wish you were here, but you're not"
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There's a time that I remember when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ay-ay
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ay
Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the "wish you were here, but you're not"
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
There's a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
And I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember and it's lightin' up the dark
I'll carry these torches for ya that you know I'll never drop, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ay-ay
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ay
Here's to the ones that we got (oh, yeah)
Cheers to the "wish you were here, but you're not"
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ay)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (yeah)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo (ooh, yeah)
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
And yeah, yeah, yeah
And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and oh, no
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
This is a brand new version of a song called “Heal” by Tom Odell. It is sung by Jamal Roberts at American Idol
Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal
And take my past and take my sins
Like an empty sail takes the wind
And heal, heal, heal, heal
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
Take my heart and take my hand
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand
And heal, heal, heal, heal
And take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
Of course the above song has even more significance than healing from the loss of Morgan. It has great significance due to hubby’s current health situation, which I will say is definitely moving in the right direction. God is so good! It also has great significance to the state of the world. Oh how it could use some healing!!
"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God—soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God."
Psalm 43:5 The Message.
Oh Joan, of course you should talk about her. She is your daughter! I wouldn't want my loved one to be forgotten or not mentioned. So glad things are on right side for your husband and I hope you have a pleasant mother's day in Nashville.
I’m so glad you talk about Morgan. To me it’s a reminder of the hope we have in Christ that she is alive and you will see her again! And I will get to meet her one day. And I feel like I already know her because you do talk about her. Love you sweet friend ❤️