I’ve mentioned before that it is routine for Rock 2 and myself to share our Wordle scores first thing in the morning, then text more if there is something to say. She shared a picture of a “In Memory of….” sign about her beautiful son at a golf tournament he always attended, which was itself a Memorial Tournament.
It was a nice surprise for her but also the kind of thing that can stun. She then mentioned that tomorrow will be eight weeks since he went to be with God.
I stopped counting weeks and only think in terms of months, which is exactly what is natural to do when humans are making their way INTO the world as well. “5 weeks pregnant; “ 20 weeks along” then “8 months pregnant” etc. It’s the same when the baby is born. Weeks, then months, then years.
But “approaching 9 months” entered my mind a couple days ago and Rock 2's text brought it in again. I was pregnant with Mo not a full 9 months because she was a couple weeks early. I’m either old or lame because I don't remember now if she was one ot two weeks early, but I would be at that point perhaps even today, where she was born, just before I expected her.
In other words, the amount of time she was created and grew inside of me is now probably within days of the amount of time she’s been gone. I don't have it in me to look at records/diary to see the exact. What’s the point? There isn't one other than time recognition, but it makes me very sad.
This week I’m feeling very numb in circumstances though. I got some good news, something I’d hoped would happen, and I literally feel nothing. In contrast, hubby and I had a scare tonight in regards to his swim this weekend and he was very agitated, and again I felt almost nothing.
I have not been numb all these months. I’ve been both happy and sad at times, but this week it is different. To be perfectly honest, many days over the past almost 9 months, I have had the thought while driving, “It’s okay if that car or truck approaching me swerves into my lane and kills me.” Now, I’m not depressed or suicidal, but I don't have a normal life anymore. I don't want to be here, but I have to make the best of it, because I AM here. I want to honor God with the health and the life he gave me, but I’d rather (only selfishly) he take me!
I know it would be hard for family and friends, but I've been ready “anytime.”
Speaking to W3, I found out I’m not alone in this kind of thinking. It’s probably common.
I guess this honesty might be more than you bargained for. Thank you for reading.
Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Psalms 51:11-12 AMP
You are very brave and courageous to pour your heart out to us. I agree, I feel like the feelings you have are very common after such a huge loss. I hate that you’re going through it. I do feel that others reading this blog, maybe even months or years from now, who are going through the loss of a child, will get comfort from your honesty. Also it also helps us to understand what our loved ones who have lost a child are going through.
You are very loved by so many including your readers here. God bless you, Joan, may He be with you with an extra measure of grace and assurance.
Joan - there is nothing wrong with being honest - you are allowed. I’m sure you are grateful for this platform - where you can be 😘❤️🙏