I was fortunate to get out and walk early today before the heat. We went to The Spot again, mostly due to a timing issue (It’s the closest). Nothing interesting happened on the walk with birds or butterflies.
On the way back I began contemplating the issue that opened up an old wound yesterday and decided to give you an outline and no details. I would appreciate comments in support of or against the way I am feeling if something strikes you to offer up.
Person 1 was very helpful on December 23rd, the actual day of Morgan’s death. Person 1 checked in on December 24th, and when asked to do a quick favor by me, declined being able to help for a reason that to me was very inappropriate. It was not that this person couldn’t; it was that they could have and chose not to. I did the ‘chore’ myself, but it definitely put a question mark in my head.
The next day, Christmas, Person 1 was involved with a few others in an action that was extremely inconsiderate. I felt like they did not even understand the seriousness of the death of my daughter. They went about their usual Christmas and did what they would have done regardless of her death; more or less throwing their happiness in my face.
As stated in the first ever post, they took a heart that was already gripped in tight pain and plunged a knife into it.
The people around me who knew this happened thought surely they would come to their senses on their own and seek me out to apologize, but after more than a day, this did not occur, so some people began to take it into their own hands to help relieve this additional intense pain I was feeling.
One person out of the three was horrified at what they had done and apologized immediately and profusely, of which I accepted the apology. I know this person very well and only requested that in the future, they think things through better before acting when there are serious things happening.
Person 1 above and the third person chose not to apologize and went so far as to say they had nothing to apologize for. With a little convincing from my “helper,” a forced one-line apology of “I never meant to hurt you” was offered. Not accepted. At this point, I made my own decision to exclude them from my life. I made the decision to not to ever want to have anything to do with them again. I blocked their numbers from being able to reach me electronically as well.
Near my birthday on January 21st, Person 1 sent a gift with a note that said, “Thinking of You.” I sent a brief thank you note for the gift itself. The third person also sent a birthday card to which I did not reply at all.
And that was that until yesterday when I received a new gift from Person I. The thing is, there was not a note of any kind. The only way I knew Person 1 sent it was because of the return address. What I do not know, and am still awaiting knowledge about, is if there was a card or note in there offering a sincere apology that might have slipped out. It was a long very flat box and it had come untaped all along one side upon delivery.
The way I grew up is to see everybody as putting out their best and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I have changed. If there is no note with repentance about the bad and inappropriate behavior itself, followed by almost six months of no contact - yes, I blocked them, but there are such services as the U.S. Postal service, FED EX, UPS, etc., that actually deliver physical things, then it is extremely cowardly and only makes me absolutely sure I already made the right decision. I would feel a stab of pain every time I even looked at that gift. Why even send it? I am hoping there was a note with such an apology, but I just don’t know yet.
Here is An Anology I thought about on my walk this morning. As I make this analogy, I’m not considering myself a god, or anything like God, other than being made in His image, but I am going to try to articulate something.
First, everything that we FEEL, He knows we feel and He created us to be able to feel. We ourselves do not have emotions that God doesn’t have. I am sure that our love is a very weak strength compared to His love for us. I am also sure our pain of being separated from love through death or estrangement, is also weak compared to the pain He feels when we are separated from Him through our choices. He wants us forever, but many of us don’t want Him.
Religions where you “do things” to try to be “somebody God wants for eternity,” are like sending a gift without a note. It is going through the motions, checking boxes. It looks good from the outside.
Progressive Christianity with its “Cheap Grace” is more of the same. It’s saying, “I don’t really care about what you have to SAY, God. I only care about me and what I want and how it will make me look.” “I’ll interpret your words to mean what I want them to mean.”
I understand completely how God would view that. What does He think about gifts (offerings, going to church, acts of service) without repentance and a changed direction? Do the gifts without these notes cause pain?
I want to make clear that I’m not explicitly referring to eternal salvation. Having faith is more than saying magic words that get you into heaven someday. I would not attempt to presume anything about anybody’s eternal salvation. Only God knows what goes on in each person’s life and heart, but through The Bible , He tells us the Way. (Please, go ahead and research the accuracy and validity of the Bible)
It’s very clear to me, but I do not feel like I am doing my best at explaining it tonight, and I thought that might be the case so I made it Part 1. Does anybody want to chime in? Thank you.
since all have sinned and continually fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 3:23 AMP
Thinking of you always. So many triggers for you. Keep walking forward and keep progressing!
,
Did you talk about this with your counselor? I’m really not sure what to say. I know from past experience, it has felt good to let go of anger. My sister and I were not in a good place, at one time, actually it was right after the death of my mother. However circumstances were nothing like you have been through, so it is hard to compare. Thinking of you always ❤️