A Cut and a Cry

Post 228

I haven't had an official haircut since June, although my ex-neighbor and great friend in Ohio did a perfect job trimming my bangs at the end of our visit in mid-August.

Knowing Fridays are light work days for me most of the time, I had made an early afternoon appointment. My hairstylist, Brandi, is a wonderful Christian mama, and she was the first stranger (at the time) to ask me one of the world's most common questions at my first appointment with her in March. “Do you have any children?” Knowing it was likely, I had practiced my answer and didn't break down that day.

In June, my appointment was just after Father's Day, and I’d told her about the amazing signs I’d seen/felt that day with all the GBH and the music that fit.

Today, she began our conversation asking me how I was and if I was still seeing GBH, so I began telling her that I'd had a sad/numb start to the week, but indeed yesterday I’d felt relief after my walk due to God using so much nature, including a GBH in Ohio.

Everything was fine until I was sitting under the dryer and a young 20's girl, slim, long bright blonde hair, walked near to put away a broom and dustpan. I didn't look at her face much, but when she turned around and walked away, I just sat there stunned, actually feeling a word I hate, but literally felt “triggered.” She looked almost exactly like Morgan from the back. Legs not as long, but it just brought up the terrible thought that I can never see “the real thing” here on earth again. I didn't cry then. I told myself, “nah, she was shorter and that is not the kind of job Mo would have chosen. Move on. You’re fine.”

I distracted myself on my phone and was pretty fine until it was time to remove the foils and get the wash. I don't know if Brandi could tell I wasn't the same, or she actually felt or saw tears, but while she was massaging my scalp, I just couldn't hold it in. The thoughts going through my head were more in line with hoping Morgan got to have her beautiful hair washed and her scalp massaged lovingly up in heaven. I wanted it so bad for her. I wanted her to have it HERE! I wasn’t bawling, but my body was trembling as the tears streamed.

Brandi definitely realized I was crying by the time she was done and I told her about the resemblance. She was great and understood my reaction and was the one to use the word “trigger,” but that is exactly what happened.

I had to sit again and spent time just praying and looking at my help verses. I know Satan would like nothing better than for me to sink, and I will use God’s promises to beat him back. It worked. I got to feeling better again, but felt emotionally spent again the rest of the day.

At first I couldn't understand when people say that year 2 would be harder than year 1, but I think now I can see how it could be the case. The attacks are nowhere near as often, but they may take more out of a person when they happen.

I’ll be very busy all weekend and doubt I’ll post for several days. I hope you all get done what needs to be done, yet have some fun as well. 💙

Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31:31 NIV