Too Much

Nightly Gathering Open Thread Post 156

Original plans for Father’s Day included me and hubby getting up early, going to an outdoor shooting range and then out to breakfast at the new rural joint he found and we’ve now gone to a few times. But plans changed and he decided that he needed to be alone instead, and it’s Father’s Day, so the man gets what he wants!

I decided to take the dog for her walk nice and early knowing it would likely get pretty hot this afternoon. Today I decided on the Little Cove walk where we park at the electric transformer station. I decided to listen to the same Jordan Peterson clip I’ve shared before about suffering. As I’ve recently said, I feel the undercurrent pulling me away from shore and I needed some reinforcement to understand the reason for suffering once again. I did not have the gentle leader on the dog because it’s not a well traveled path and I figured it was unlikely we’d run into another dog. Just a couple minutes into this walk after a large pond is a marshy type inlet. I’ve shown a picture of a Great Blue Heron (GBH) from this spot before. Of course I glanced to my left as we approached and by golly, there was GBH number one. Here’s the first two pictures. One is my original view and the second is the same view blown up.

I didn’t want to leave so I decided to press video and I saw her fly off.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Zmto_IVf6IVnY8BTZGvry3iFZzdsjwRI/view?usp=drive_link

As I turned and walk another twenty steps forward, I was astounded to see a second GBH (I don’t think it could be the same one that had just flown off, but who knows?) up ahead of us right on the path! My camera was already set to video so I just kept it on there and filmed and talked. You’ll see and hear me say that I’m sorry it’s quite jiggly, but I didn’t have great control of both the camera and the dog. But here is what I initially saw.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aTmrdfw16RXeOwae93V93PCUdWFur2_1/view?usp=drive_link

I thought it would fly off before we got very near but it (she) didn’t. Look how close we got!

But she still didn’t leave, so I began videotaping again and talking to her. Take a look and listen and see that she turned around and went back toward the path when I said her name! She flew off not too long after.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wSPhs2fdVTnBiwZ82DrBj1WUdxCl1IWz/view?usp=drive_link

None of this upset me initially. You can tell by my voice that I am happy to “see” her and I just continued on my way listening to the YouTube video. I actually felt happy because within a couple minutes of it flying off, a runner came up behind me and passed us. Surely if he’d been before me, I’d never have gotten to experience that. As far as what I was listening to, I’ll put that link at the bottom in case anybody wants to listen to it. I’ve been fortunate to have picked up quite a few new subscribers in the past few weeks, and you’ll understand that I enjoy listening to and learning from Jordan Peterson on my walks.

We turned a corner to go down a road where I have also in the past seen a GBH this year but I didn’t expect to see one, and matter of fact, the more I processed having just “seen Mo,” I did begin to get upset thinking about it being Father’s Day, and the first one for my husband without her. I also thought about what I posted last night about never being grandparents to her potential children, which then got me realizing that hubby would never walk her down the aisle. I was crying by this time.

My eyes scanned the water and picked out yet another GBH. Here’s that picture of number three.

I didn’t know what to feel at this point. Sad? Happy? Is this ridiculous or what?

We turned around and headed back. Back out on the next road a young couple with a dog was jogging toward us but luckily on the other side of the road. My dog pulled me toward them which caused me to press tightly onto my phone case, which turned my phone completely off. I didn’t have the will to go find that video and find the spot I’d been at, so I turned to Pandora. My first thought was, “Wow, I’ll be completely freaked out if ‘Who Am I’ comes on. As I was thinking that, I was again on the Queen Station and what begins to play but “Free Bird!”

Free Bird? Everybody knows Free Bird so I don’t need to post the link or the lyrics, but I am posting the screenshot I took.

By this time, all the dots are connecting and the tears are streaming down my face. Free Bird ends and you know what the next song was? It could have been anything, but no, it was “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Here’s that screenshot:

I’m not a fan of Guns N’ Roses and I’m not posting the video or lyrics, but suffice it to say that 90% of the song they repeat “Knock Knock Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” in various melodies. (Those were the only words of that song I ever knew anyway)

So what do I do with all this? I was missing her like crazy and just cried. I got home, made a cup of coffee, and sat out on the back deck like I’d done on Mother’s Day. I looked off to my side and thought I saw a cardinal in our far tree! I was about to lose it. I took a pic and here it is. It just didn’t leave, so I kept saying, “What, are you waiting for dad to get home or something?”

My hubby pulled up about five minutes later and I told him immediately that I thought this cardinal was waiting for him to get home. I pointed to it and told him it had been there for a bit and maybe it was a leaf and not a cardinal. (I don’t have the best eyesight, even with contacts). He got pretty close himself before declaring it was a leaf. Thank God! It was already TOO MUCH “signage and symbolism” for one day!

Here’s what I had seen though and that’s with it blown up.

I hated being upset for hubby on Father’s Day. He worries about me and I wanted him to have a great day. He went in to take a shower and I just stayed out there allowing myself to cry my eyes out. I had not listened to the Celebration of Life “Last Song” with the Mandi Fisher follow up in at least a month, so I allowed myself to listen and grieve fully and loudly while listening to them. The Mandi Fisher song has lyrics “spread your wings.” Warning: If you are grieving, it is very likely these two songs will make you cry. Skip them if it isn’t a good time.

Last song:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PWu1kslc8YVKVZj1WhgibTYMRclDe-EP/view?usp=drive_link

Mandi Fisher followup:

Here’s the Jordan Peterson podcast on suffering I was listening to:

I finally recovered by mid to late morning and did a couple hours of weeding and other yardwork before resuming the rest of the day. This kind of thing is emotionally draining and I’ll be glad to hit the hay tonight. (I’m writing this several hours early and scheduling it to post). I know some of you may be weary of all my symbols and signs, and others of you think it is silly, but it is my life right now. Thank you very much for reading and supporting me!

A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders.

Acts of the Apostles 2:43 NLT