This substack was started just over two weeks after I lost my 24-year old daughter, Morgan, suddenly and unexpectedly on December 23, 2022. In the past, when I would hear the tragic news if a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker lost a child for any reason, I would think, “I Can’t Imagine what they’re going through” and say a quick but heartfelt prayer for them. I really wouldn’t try to imagine it. I don’t think we are psychologically built to contemplate it for more than half a second.
I journaled most of my life until I met my husband and then stopped for many years except for chronicling my two pregnancies and birth stories. From 2001-2003 I also kept a journal of what it was like to host foreign exchange students while my own children were 3-7. I published that journal calling it “Diary of a Host Mom.”
When my father passed away in 2002 with all of his children, his wife, and only still living brother surrounding him, I began typing out a story of him almost immediately. Writing is my way of processing feelings and pretty much always has been. It was the most natural thing in the world to journal as soon as I could because this tragedy was too much to keep inside and I needed to get it out.
I never intend to tell anybody’s story except for my own. It is a Christ-centered story. I did not feel anger toward God for even a second. Do I understand why she was called home so early? Absolutely not! But I know that where she is and Who she is with, is a lot better than earth. God is love. Any love that you feel on earth is directly because of God. You don’t have to believe it or understand it, but that doesn’t make it less true. I don’t know how microwave ovens work, but I use one almost every day. When you allow yourself to be close to God and learn His ways, understanding that He is God and we are not, and you want to serve the people He has placed in your life, you will find that God will be near to you. You’ll see Him acting in your life. You won’t be blinded to it like you might be now. So if you find yourself mourning the loss of a loved one, come hang out here and be a part of a community who will support each other through our losses.
Here’s Morgan. I miss you honey and I can’t wait to see you again some day! I know this picture is blurry and that is because it is so blown up while eliminating the other people, but it is one of my favorite pictures. She was laughing so hard at one of her brother’s quips and it brings back great memories. I have a feeling you get to be this happy all the time now and that gives me peace.
