Unnamed

Post 252

I can't think of a good title for this post.

I know the best thing to do is to take things one day at a time, and when I’m able to, it does help. But when I can’t or don't, the pain of thinking how may likely years there are until I get to see Mo again torments me.

I’m supposed to keep myself busy and occupied and when I do, it does help. But when I can’t or don’t, the thoughts and pain rattle around in my brain and heart relentlessly.

I know I’m faithful and trusting of the loving God who apparently had marked out less than 25 years here for Morgan, but even my faith, love, and trust does not take away the almost constant homesick feeling residing in my heart.

I was strong for many months this year with the help of this journaling, and the many prayers said to God for me, along with a lot of support, and I’m VERY grateful, but now my strength is waning again. I don't know how I’m going to make it through December - but I will. So far, I’m staying in a lot more. Wreaths, Christmas music, and every good thing about Thanksgiving and Christmas are only causing me pain. I 100% think someday that will no longer be the case, or at least not to this degree, but right now, I’d love to go to sleep and wake up in 2024.

I didn't plan to write tonight, but this photo on my phone popped up telling me it was 4 years ago today. It was just hubby, me, and Mo, for our first Thanksgiving in this house. (We didn’t have a kitchen table yet.)

I’m not looking for comments or sympathy or pity. I’m just telling you the stuff that transpires in the heads of parents who's children got called home before we did. When people say “I Can’t Imagine what they’re going through” - this is it. Trying my hardest to live life, but almost everything that happens ends up being bounced off the day my other life ended, the life where I had normal ups and downs, even some that lasted a while.

As you know, I've felt God's presence more since Dec 23rd, than ever in my life prior, and for much of that time, I thought I was pretty close. Now I see I really wasn't. I never had thoughts of “needing” Him to get through a day, but I definitely do now. I am thankful for the deeper relationship, but there has been tremendous cost.