This is How

Post 255

Last Saturday, December 2nd, when W3 and I met for our long 2 hour breakfast, she gave me a brand new Bible as a Christmas present. It’s a study Bible that has room in the margins for note-taking, as well as extra commentary along with the scripture. I’ve had a few other commentary Bibles over the years, and in some Bibles I’d highlighted or underlined, but I hadn't been taught to really study it or take notes in it.

This past Saturday night, December 9th, my cousin, Rock 2, sent me a verse she had looked up that gave her immediate and immense comfort, at least for that day, regarding the loss of her son. I agreed with her that it really fit. She will likely always recall this particular epiphany, and it will give her peace when she’s fighting through future waves of grief. I think I will remember it, too.

As I went to bed that night, I decided to look her verse up in my new Bible. I then played a “game” that “they”, whoever “they” are, say is “not how you're supposed to read the Bible.” After I heard that rule, I stopped for many years, wanting to use God’s Word correctly. Their admonition probably kept me from reaching out to something that could have helped me many times. Is it the best way? Maybe not, but maybe it’s not so bad.

There was a time around 2006 that I played this “game” when my soul was crying out to God for confirmation about something, and He answered me with crystal clear scripture. It was a miracle to me at the time and had literally made the hairs on my arms stand up.

So the “game” is taking a Bible, closing it, and saying the request of “Please show me what I need to know.” These two particular times, the Bibles were brand new, with pages that even stick together. I opened to Psalm 139 and not knowing I’d write about it this soon, or ever, here is my note, and what I underlined. I’ll put the whole Psalm at the end of this post, so if you want to read it, it will be easier.

Yesterday morning, I woke and began my day as usual, reading my verse of the day and “reading plan message” directly in my phone Bible app. I then moved on to the few substacks I read, one of which is Ramblings of Faith. Jennifer's post started with none other than Psalm 139 yesterday.

If you noticed the time on the screenshot, yes, it is early this morning, that screenshot occurring just before 5 am. This is How the Creator of the Cosmos speaks to us. Coincidence? Give me a break. He wants all of us to internalize not only this Psalm, but everything His Word tells us. He also speaks to us in other ways of course. People, nature, music, art, etc. He’s doing it all day every day, but most people most of the time, are paying attention to so much other stuff, they miss it almost completely. I used to miss it myself.

None of us parents whose children left us will tell you that we're glad for the new closeness we may feel with God and other people, that the loss is “worth” this new knowledge or insight to living. It’s not worth it at all. We all wish our children were alive and well ON EARTH. We’d rather have our old lives back, lives without daily pain, without dates that loom in the distance, bringing us back to unreal, unfathomable breaks in our lives. No.

But we also now live with a much clearer understanding of God With Us. Immanuel. Christmas.

Out on my walk to The Spot yesterday (new readers, this is where some of Morgan’s ashes are), a nice young couple taking a stroll wished me my first “Merry Christmas” of this season. I said it back. It rolled off my lips effortlessly in the moment, really an automatic Pavlovian response. But several steps past them I allowed the tears. NO. IT'S. NOT.

I’m allowing myself to be upset with the timing of Morgan leaving two days before Christmas. There is just no way for me to realistically separate them. I have hope that one day in the future that’ll change again.

There’s one more thing on my mind, not on the same subject. I mentioned that I’ve been watching old Survivor seasons, and it really is an entertaining way to avoid Christmas. Some of the contestants are “Super” Christians, always invoking Jesus's name and breaking out in prayer. I’m sorry, but this drives me nuts. They come off as using God as a vending machine. It is usually not presented as His Will be done and understanding that life is not about “winning”, but about being used for His Will, no matter how our lives look - win or lose. They also usually lie and deceive as much as everyone else, and in some cases more.

Some of it was editing, I’m sure, and I’m just as guilty of doing some of it myself in the past, but the look is not good. Just something to keep in mind.

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:1‭-‬24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

[1] O Lord, you have searched me and known me! [2] You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. [3] You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. [4] Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. [5] You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. [6] Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. [7] Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? [8] If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! [9] If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, [10] even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. [11] If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” [12] even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. [13] For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. [14] I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. [15] My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. [16] Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. [17] How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! [18] If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. [19] Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me! [20] They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain. [21] Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? [22] I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies. [23] Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! [24] And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.