Sinking But Saved

When I woke up Friday morning, I felt fine. I had no idea that within the hour I'd be hit with what felt like an unbearable grief wave.

I'm not 100% sure what the trigger was, other than I think the "last song" and its “follow-up” counterpart I’ve recently written about must have entered my brain and that was immediately followed by the knowledge that Morgan's birthday, March 14th, is rapidly approaching.  25 years ago, I was very happily pregnant and very excited for this addition to our family. We didn't know if she'd be a baby boy or a baby girl, and no, we had a different boy name picked out. I think it was Blake.

The time was about 715 and I was due for a meeting at 730, but for the second time, I had to pull out before it started, which was no big deal, nothing that couldn't be covered using Teams, which can be done while teary or actively dripping tears.

Once I had the freedom to really feel my feelings, they exploded. I cried like I had exactly 11 weeks earlier, and 2 or 3 times since.

I went outside to see if the cooler temperature could jolt me out of it, (no), but my only solution is always God. I texted Rock 4, and my prayer warrior friend from Ohio and told them I was having a hard time and please pray for me.

I know many of my friends pray. I pray of course, and I guess there is no right or wrong way to talk to God. Whisper, think it, scream it. I think God is happy we turn to him no matter how it's done.  But for these particular two women, they have a huge desire to pray. It's part of their calling, and they make it known. That is why I thought of them at that moment.

They both responded quickly and said they would. Meanwhile, since my hubby had not left for work yet, he was able to not only talk, but physically hold me. We are lucky that we never break down at exactly the same time.  I finally became composed and functional again about an hour after it started.

I was curious though if I was going to have these huge waves hit for months, years, always?  One of my co-workers had lost a daughter many years ago, and after Morgan passed, she sent me a personal note to tell me she'd always be there if I needed anything..to talk, to cry, whatever.  I thought, “I'll ask her if she still gets these huge waves.”

I found her original email to me and had not remembered she had included a beautiful analogy of needing people to get you through it. It was exactly what I had found necessary in the past hour. Here it is:

*** Grief is like an ocean, ebbing and flowing, ever changing. At times the waters may seem calm and even serene, yet inevitably a large wave will arise and attempt to wash you under as you tread to stay afloat. The best that one could hope for is to simply keep one's head above the water and avoid drowning in the deepness of sorrow. Despite what anyone says, we are all afloat in this sea and thus we're all in this together. If you find yourself struggling in the surf to keep your head above the waves, reach out to those around you, for we will take you by the shoulder and pull you to the calmer shallows where you might hope to find your footing once again. Love comes in many forms; so, to you I offer my shoulder, take ahold and together we will all pull you to shore! ***

I was no longer crying as I typed out that question and pressed send at 8:32 am, which was the time they called her death.

I then texted the women and thanked them and told them I was doing better again and passed on the above poem.  They were both happy to help and agreed it was fitting.

But the next thing that happened blew my mind. I went from the depths of despair to witnessing God's amazing ways, and being in awe that He reached down once again.

Here's what happened. I have a friend up in Ohio who lost her daughter at age 24, too, back in 2018. We’ll call her Role Model. I let her know about Mo sometime during that first week. If anybody could relate, it was her, and she had been very helpful. No matter what words she said, she was a living example of pressing on and I could look at her surviving it.

If she was able to, then could I? We knew each other from Bible studies and women's retreats, and I knew how she had, and continues to press on. I had not heard from this friend much after the initial couple of communications. I contemplated why she hadn’t kept in touch once or twice, but as you all know, I have a ton of support so I didn’t “NEED” her. Each person who continues to pray or reach out makes a difference.

I figured maybe it was bringing back too much pain for her now that a friend was going through the same thing and I didn't judge her at all.

Within a FEW minutes of sending my email to my coworker and texting thank you to my friends who had just prayed for me, I received a text from Role Model!

She sent a screen shot of a devotional from a book called Jesus Calling that said this:

“Come to Me and Rest.  I am all around you, to bless and restore.  Breathe Me in with each breath.  The way ahead of you is very steep.  Slow down and cling tightly to My hand.  I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.

Lift up empty hands of faith to receive My precious Presence.  Light, Life, Joy, and Peace flow freely through this gift.  When your focus turns away from Me, you grasp for other things.  You drop the glowing gift of My Presence as you reach for lifeless ashes.  Return to Me; regain My Presence.”  (Taken from Matthew 11:28-29 and 1 Timothy 2:8)

Her text apologized for not being in touch, but days after our last communication she'd run into a health issue that she's still addressing, but is finally doing well enough she could contact me.

I immediately told her she'd just been used as an immediate answer to prayer and could I call? She caught me up on what was happening with her health-wise and role model wise, and I told her what had just occurred. She and I stayed on the phone for almost two hours and she was able to help immensely.

By the time we hung up, I felt amazed and a complete 180 from 2 hours earlier. We both agree we could not do this without the hope of seeing our daughters again someday. Without that belief, there is no hope and no need to move on. How could you?

I actually did a couple hours of work, then took the dog for a walk.  I tried a podcast and once again, it wasn't hitting the spot, so I switched over to music. It was cooler, so I had a sweater on over a long sleeve shirt. I'm walking down a very untraveled rural street and the song Oceans came on. I was thinking, "that's interesting after the analogy in the email this morning" and as I was thinking it, I tripped on nothing and hit the pavement! Very happy no one saw me, not to mention the dog was very confused! I mostly landed on my right elbow and left hand. I'm fine. There is a scrape on the elbow but I'm glad I had the sweater on or I'm sure it would be worse.

After only five more minutes of walking I actually got hot and had to take the sweater off!

What a day, right? 

I did a little more work then went to a counseling appointment. I really wanted strategies for dealing with these songs haunting/taunting me as well as getting through Morgan's birthday on Tuesday. I can't just avoid it like I did my own because our son is coming down for it.   The cousnelor was a huge huge help, too!  One thing he said, that I now think of OFTEN, is if I really believe she is with God in the afterlife, would I ask her to come back if I could? Would I want her to give up that new life, to come back to this broken world, so I could feel better?  No hesitation.... absolutely not!!  It's all about framing things that happen into the right context with the right questions.  At this moment I feel like I will get through her birthday fine. I'm going to see her birthday as her entering the earthly realm, which she has now left, to enter the next and perfect realm, our ultimate home and where we will reunite someday. For all of you who have prayed for me to be okay with Morgan’s birthday, I think God gave that counselor the right words to say to help me.

I thought that would be the end of the post, but something else has happened even today that I want to write about. I went to my first salon appointment in a crazy amount of years. Those who know me, know I'm not froo froo, but this past year I've worn my hair up in a clip more and more because I absolutely hate it.  With April 8th nearing I thought I need to look presentable, not like I don't care about myself at all, so I went to one and here I sit with a style and color that look great. She didn't change it immensely from my style but fixed it greatly.

During some of the waiting and conversing, I worried slightly that I better be prepared if the topic of kids comes up, which it was bound to. It would be the first time I'd be asked if I had kids and their ages. Hubby and I had talked about when this will happen and what we would say, so I knew I would not say I only have one child. I could not insinuate she had never existed.

About three fourths of the time in, sure enough it happened. I did not cry as I reported his age and that she had been 24 in December when she passed away. The stylist was wonderful and did not miss a beat by being overly sympathetic or overly solemn. I told her exactly what I'd just learned the day before. It can be overwhelmingly sad sometimes, but I believe she's with God and I'd never ask her to return from that perfect place. The timing of this appointment was apparently just right. I might have broken down without that new context I received.

My answer brought on a great faith based conversation, and she is also very committed to Jesus and the Gospel. She then told me one of her other clients recently lost her only son about five months ago, and I actually remember his story being reported.  He had been struck by a falling tree during a hike here in Huntsville.  Unbelievable!

I was able to give her the name of this substack blog, as well as the grief www.whilewerewaiting.org website to pass on if she thought it would be helpful.  Those parents need prayer and every ounce of support they can get. If you remember to, please pray for them, or stop and do it right now. Prayer works and they need peace. Thank you!