Nightly Gathering
Open Thread Post 61
Sorry to report it was a most uninteresting day. It rained almost all day and I had a lot of manual, detailed work to concentrate on for my job today. By 4:00 the rain went away and the dog and I walked to The Spot to see if the tree crevice worked. Thankfully it did!
I felt the build up in my body to “the last song” which began taunting me. I've been good at making myself sing different songs when this happens, but my body needed the release so I listened and had a good 5 or 6 minute cry. Then I was done.
Please use this Open Thread any way you wish. If you are new here, welcome!
Glad the tree crevice was a safe spot!
I just found your comment on Menagerie's post on Treehouse. That led me here. I read your 1st story about Morgan's death, and it brought back many of the same feelings and thoughts from losing my 21 year old son in 2007. The same gripping, intense pain you describe...I felt, too. Only us mothers that have lost a child, no matter how old, know this pain. And yes, it is futile to tell you this, but the intensity of this pain gets better...with time. But, that is just silly for me to say because this cross is one that you have to go through to get there. I know.
Thank God for our faith in God! I have always wondered how can a person cope with the death of a child without faith in God? And I also was never angry with God either during my intense grief. I asked a lot of "why." But I was never angry. And I don't know why exactly.
There are several observations that I have being a mother of a deceased child that I would like to share:
1. Most people don't know how to respond to your loss of a child. There is usually an awkwardness there. They are afraid of the subject whether they think it will bring you more pain or what, I don't know. What they don't know is that I welcome the chance to talk about my son, David.
2. It is amazing how many people I have come across personally that have lost a child. I have only noticed this since my child's death. There is a lot of pain out there, and I didn't see it.
3. There is an awkwardness on my part when someone asks how many children do you have? I answer that I have one in heaven and one here. And like I said, I usually don't get asked about what happened to my child in heaven. People don't know what to say.
But, you've done a good job with Journaling. I didn't have the benefit of Journaling on Substack back in 2007, but I was at a job that I could journal between patients. So I just wrote about David or my feelings or my prayers every chance I got. Boy, was that a life-saver for me.
I remember the first night that I learned of David's death (he lost his battle on October 1, 2007, with schizophrenia), I couldn't sleep either so I just started writing everything I could think of about David, his habits, his quirks, all my memories of him. I knew that with time, these memories would fade...and I did not want the essence if David to be lost. Once I got that down on paper, I slept.
Looking at your daughter's picture, I know that David and Morgan would be great friends. David was also an athlete (lacrosse), handsome, smart and popular. He was doing dean's list work at LSU when apparently the stress triggered his mental illness, and he suddenly took off to California. It was here he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. We had no idea. 8 months later, we lost him.