Nightly Gathering

Open Thread Post 67 - Blue Heron in Biloxi

Please use the Nightly Gathering Post to say whatever you'd like. For me writing helps. Maybe it will for you, too. I'm writing this mid afternoon and scheduling to post later.

Today isn't easy because it is the three month anniversary of the worst day of my life. People can't imagine what it's like to lose a child? It's that an appendage had been sliced off your body. You have to keep going, you have to adapt, but you're nowhere near the same.

I had my sadness on the beach yesterday for a short time, but today so far was “wake up and feel it hit you.” Biloxi has some really nice casinos and I am a light gambler. The anticipation of hitting it big (for the amount I play with, a luck amount would probably be $150 at best) on the yes, stupid slot machines. I'm picky about which ones I'll play with though. I told hubby I felt like playing the slots to be busy and distracted enough to keep my sadness at bay. He said, “go.”

I took $40 and made it last 90 minutes. There is a lovely quarter mile walk back to our place along the beach and it involves walking along a freeway loop. I took this pic a couple days ago to send to my son.

You can see the freeway loop concrete right there. Surprisingly it is not loud at all.

Today as I walked back, I was a bit mad at myself for wasting money gambling, even though I rationalize it is entertainment, no different than a couple going to a movie a couple times a month. I know it's not that much. I walked about fifteen steps onto that loop walk, thought of Morgan and started getting teary and a lump in the throat again. I looked up and said, “I know God. I know she's happy.” Several paces later a large bird, also known as a BLUE HERON, swooped down and landed on the concrete landing that supports the pylons or whatever they're called that support the ramp. I've walked this loop ramp five other times and nothing but seagulls.

For those who have read this blog since the beginning, you'll recall I had a walk early on after Mo passed where I felt the blue heron kind of represented Morgan's spirit to me. I cried more and stopped to take a picture while asking, “Really?”

It didn't fly away so I took several more. This bird was not spooked by me even though I was maybe 10 - 15 yards away. I stopped to watch it. It then flew to the next landing, so I moved forward, too, and took a couple more pictures. My last picture it was posed to take off, but hadn't by the time I kept going because people were then approaching behind me.

I honestly felt immediately better. Not some peaceful floaty feeling, but I felt heard and loved by God.

Morgan hated birds. Hated them! She wouldn't be too happy knowing I equated her “spirit”⁹ to a bird. When I got back, I honestly wanted to know for sure if it even was a heron because to my knowledge, they were more river and lake birds.

Google took one pic I had enlarged and said:

Okay!!!! Yes!!!

The herons I run across in Huntsville seem to get spooked easily, but then again I always do have a dog with me. When I got back I decided to read more about the heron and now I feel more than ever it is no accident that I equated it to Mo. Read this!

Even though Morgan was physically very pretty, she was against exploiting her looks. If boys or men commented on her looks very much she moved on. On first dates and sometimes beyond, she insisted on paying for herself. She made little money throughout college and after until the job she had when she passed, because her jobs were about gaining the medical experience required to get into PA school, not great pay. Her last job was the best of all worlds - good money, good experience and even remote, not to mention she loved it. She wanted to be known or appreciated for being SMART. She was an excellent PLANNER and it was a huge part of her personality. I now feel wonderful again. God is so good to me. The wait to see her again isn't easy, but that was a very welcome sign and gift, and I WILL continue to focus on loving in this realm.