We'll y'all, I hit a snag today. Immediately when I woke up to the dreary day, nothing but rain outside, I already had a tear. I do not usually wake up like that anymore, partly because my job is extremely busy between 630 am and about 10 am. I don't have time to think. Get the coffee made and start right in.
Around 815, I not only noticed the time, but had a little time to kill. The time is bad because this is right around the time of day Mo passed - 8:32. But I asked myself, besides the weather, why do I feel so bad?
So I thought, “Well it must be what I wrote about last night. You really miss her! You miss those texts and calls! It's also March…you know her birthday is coming up!” So I began to actually cry. “Okay, cry for a few minutes, then you gotta keep working.” But it was hard to stop crying! I had a meeting at 9:00 and I could not attend. I IM'd one of the leaders and apologized, but she understood. She'd lost her husband of 30+ years to cancer late last spring. I weeped. I bawled. I got a little angry with God for the FIRST time, just a minute or so, but that isn't me. That didn't last. He knows what He’s doing. I guess I started work again around 10:00.
I guess that's how it will go…I felt it creeping in, but I let the giant wave crush me there for a bit.
So it continued to rain. While I was in that state, my counselor sent a digital flier to a grief event to my phone. We already had plans, but she had told me about this group previously but I'd forgotten. So I went to the web site and saw they have weekend grief retreats, contacted hubby, and I registered us for the next one. I contacted the woman who started it with her husband sometime after they lost their 17 year old daughter in 2017 suddenly and unexpectedly. I wanted to let her know about this substack. She wrote back immediately and was so nice.
When the rain stopped around 230, I had a big decision to make. Walk or no? I know walking always helps my mood, but I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to have to avoid puddles. Then I remembered the place I go when it's like this. It's called Cathedral Caverns and about 12 minutes from me. Not to hike, but walk on the deserted paved roads. I can't listen to anything but downloaded music there, so I just figured I'd listen to nature and my own thoughts. I was no longer SUPER sad, but just kinda blah.
These are some of what I was treated to. I took video also but it won't let me insert it, so you'll just have to imagine the sound of trickling, then rushing water, then silence after a bend in the road.
How can this NOT improve you mood?
Back home, at my computer. Karen of the grief organization had replied again because I had admitted to her I'd had a hard, awful, morning, in which she said she'd just prayed for me. Was that the additional strength I needed to go out for that walk? In my mind, yes!
Here is the link to their grief group. I'm very much looking forward to meeting them and others in this terrible “club.”
www.whilewerewaiting.org
If you happen to be here for your first time, use open thread comments to talk about whatever you like to give or get support.
I’m so so sorry you had a bad morning, but praise the Lord that you had blessings as the day went on, and especially through Karen. You are handling everything remarkably well, and that is because you are a woman of faith and character. And also, I believe reaching out to other hurting people like you do, is very medicinal.
Your pictures are wonderful! The redbud tree is my favorite. You are a very good photographer! (Amongst your many other God-given talents.) God bless you my friend, and I pray you have a peaceful night and a day tomorrow with joy and comfort.