Nightly Gathering

Open Thread Post 125 - Friday Mornings

Friday mornings are still the toughest. Sometimes I am lucky enough to have a lot going on and I don't notice the time. That was not the case today on Friday number 21. If I notice the time between about 7:20 am to 8:35 am, it's memory after memory of the last hour of my daughter's life.

I get a stab of the pain and stress when things began to go wrong at 720, and I must have been told around 8:35 to 8:45. She died at 8:32, so how long does a doctor wait before informing the mother? I can remember vividly the surreal experience. This was not a TV drama; this was real.

The tears can be strong or completely non-existent and I don't know why it changes. Today just a minutes worth. I know that the only way to get through it is to redirect my thoughts to WHERE she now is.

Would I ask her to come back from the realm of no more tears and no more pain? I've said it before and I'll say it again - I couldn't do that to her.

I would like to be like the people who get to feel their deceased loved one’s presence though. I might have today, but it was more weirdness than feeling something.

The dog and I always do one lap around our city park when we will take the walk with The Spot. We've walked that park probably over 500 times. Today there were a couple city workers cutting and trimming the grass. This has been the case many times.

As we were about three-fourths through, my dog stopped and was VERY interested in SOMETHING in the distance. Yes, there was a lawn guy but we'd already passed him and she didn't care and never had in the past. I was trying to see if there was a squirrel or other animal, but I couldn't see anything. She's so used to squirrels, birds, and cats that she'd never stop and stare. I got her walking again a few steps but she was still so interested. A few steps more I actually said, “Mo, are YOU here right now? If it's you, hello!”

A few more steps, now leaving the paved lap and heading out to the city building parking lot on the way of our usual route, and the dog turned around to look some more! This type of thing has never occurred and I still have no idea, but I know something made me think MAYBE she was able to make a quick visit here to say “Hi.”

I've never thought about this type of thing and I don't know what to make of my own thoughts.

If anybody has any experience of what a loved one's presence FEELS like, would you mind commenting? Thank you for reading.