Mixed Bag

Post 186

I can't think of anything specific to write about tonight, other than to document my walk this morning, and then rehash a few things I've posted about before.

The walk was the same as yesterday's (Little Cove Transformer) and no nature whatsoever. I do find it fascinating that I went through those few weeks to a month where everything in nature seemed to be signaling to me, and now it's all hidden and back to normal again.

My current status is a mixed bag. On one hand I'm incredibly happy that Morgan lives in a realm of bliss, and has no tears, no pain, lots of humor, and intellectual stimulation. What mother doesn't want their child to have a life like that? It must be like our best day here magnified beyond our ability to understand. The best parts of her personality are magnified and her flaws are fixed. Someday when I die, and the best of me is magnified, and my flaws fixed, I can't wait for us to be together like that!

But it's also like I have knowledge that my peak happiness on this earth has already happened. With her missing, no matter what happens here, it will never be the same, carefree, the bottom didn't fall out kind of happiness. For those of you who have not had to experience this, please enjoy the hell out of your life. Appreciate your moments of happiness. Savor it. You NEVER know when it will change.

I'm obviously not saying I'll never be happy again. I will. I have enjoyed things and company since December, and expect there will be oodles more, but the hole will always be a part of every happy experience, a hole that didn't exist in prior happy times.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecclesiastes 1:18 NIV