It’s Gonna Be Okay

I had in mind a few things I wanted to write about this week, but I woke up to a song in my head and sang it sporadically as I did some cleaning this morning as it continued to pop into my head.  Here it is:

That has to be a good sign, right?

Before that, the topics were going to be and remain: plastic eating utensils, quilting, and gratitude.

Plastic eating utensils: One of my daughter’s quirks was a penchant for plastic eating utensils instead of using silverware.  I have no idea why, but I often saved and stuck the stronger version from Chinese takeout or wherever into the dishwasher so that she’d have some to use during high school, and when she came for a visit from college on.  I got myself some Chinese takeout on Friday and there was a nice sturdy black plastic fork.  I used it and have not been able to throw it away yet.  It’s sitting near the sink.  I know she’s not coming back to use it, but for some reason I just can’t yet.  This is that present grief that finally hit at about the month mark.  I now live with a pretty continuous homesick feeling.  I described it as low-grade anxiety in one of the Nightly Gathering posts, but now I recognize it as feeling homesick.  It is present, but directed at memories of the past and thoughts of “I’m never gonna see her again”  (at least until the day I die, which in the end gives me hope but doesn’t make the feeling go away.)

Quilting.  I made a decision a few weeks ago that I would have a quilt made out of some of her clothes.  I found a pattern I liked, that of a butterfly, and found somebody to do it.  It turns out it is quite small though, so even though I pictured it large, hanging in my living room, I liked the pattern so much, I thought, “Well, I’ll just find a second mini quilt.”  I found a heart where the title said “even beginners can do it- it is so easy.”    These are both only going to be probably 36” inches long and maybe 24” high.  It turns out Rock 3 does some light quilting, so she is going to help me do the beginner one. 

My daughter had a ton of clothes.  I almost always just saw her in shorts, tanks, sweats, hoodies, pajamas, etc, although I have plenty of pictures of her more dressed up.  It took a long time to pick out around 30 different pieces of fabric and cut them up.  I’m having the same patterns in both quilts.  Someday when they are done, hopefully by April 8^th (her Celebration of Life service, tournament, and party) I will take pictures and post them here.  Some of the clothes definitely brought some tears because of the memories they evoked.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with all her clothes.  They are so cute, too.  I know people I’d love to give them to, but they will probably feel weird taking them knowing they were Morgan’s.  I had given these same people some of Mo’s clothes in the past when she told me she was done with them, but well, it is definitely different now.  I may try to sell some to Plato’s Closet and put the money toward either the scholarship set up in her name or the food and drink for the Celebration April 8^th.  If anybody has any comments on these ideas, please let me know.

Gratitude:  I am really very very thankful for all the people who are in my life.  I must have a knack for having picked great friends all of my life and into the present.  My oldest friend (we became friends in 4^th grade so we are talking nearly 50 years now) and her husband are going to come for Morgan’s Celebration of Life, all the way from Arizona.  She and I are not in touch a lot during each year, but the love between us has always been there.  She’s working it out to get here two days beforehand so we can spend some extra time together.  I’m very thankful for her.  As we were texting this week, she asked me if I’d seen the statue that exists where the artist created what it feels like to be a parent who loses a child.  I had not but looked it up.  Here it is:

https://thisbugslife.com/2021/10/29/melancolie-by-albert-gyorgy/

My first reaction was “Yes, this is true” but after a few minutes, I texted my friend back and said I’d have to at least create a second one with the head looking up to the sky.  I feel like that is how I spend most of my grief, especially since I believe that is where she is.

One of my sisters in Christ in Cincinnati who enjoyed a few Bible studies together over the years, and just had a lot in common with the way we live our lives, contacted me out of the blue this week to check up on me and tell me I’m still in her thoughts and prayers.  I’d already seen that she and her husband are planning to come down for the Celebration of Life.  This just stuns me and makes me feel extremely loved.  She knew Morgan, but our children were not great friends or anything.  I really can’t believe it.

Over the past year and a half, I have spent time with one of the middle-school aged girls in the Jacob’s Ladder Jr. program through Graces of Gurley.  Our personalities are somewhat similar, and we share a birthday, even though we are 45 years apart.  We enjoy spending time together playing games, hiking, shopping, eating, (and we’ve been working on a fiction book together for over a year now).  I was not emotionally able to open her Christmas gift to me, or her birthday present to me until today.  She picked out a perfect T-shirt for me that says, “Hike More Worry Less.”  It’s very soft and I love it so much.  (I do love to hike!)  For my birthday, she made me a ceramic flower and I also love it so much. 

Then there are the newer friends who continue to let me know that I’m not alone.  Rock 3 and the women in our friend group don’t act in a way that make me feel odd.  They aren’t looking at me with “too much” sympathy, but if I want to talk about Morgan, they listen and converse.  My newest “friends” include some of the fellow mourners/grievers that found their way to this site who give me encouragement and are beginning to feel like friends (without quotes) already.

My family feels stronger than ever.  My husband and son, full of so much grief themselves, are strong men and our grief makes our bond even tighter.  My hope is that our son will move closer to us, at least within a few hours.  God is in the details and will open doors where our son is needed.  My extended family continue to reach out with prayers and encouragement, too.  I am so blessed.  I miss my daughter A LOT, but I’m going to keep looking on the positive side and make her early death have meaning.