Have I Changed?

Today’s post is going up just a couple days shy of the five-month anniversary of Morgan dying.   I’m asking myself today if I’ve changed, and if so, how.

Am I seeing myself correctly in the rearview mirror, and do I see myself correctly now?

My Spirituality. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know and love God.  I was in the nursery at church I’m sure, but I definitely start to have memories of Sunday School and summer Bible School in the elementary school years.  I remember singing “Jesus Loves Me, This I know for the Bible tells me so, Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is Strong.  Yes, Jesus love me, Yes, Jesus Loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”  My family prayed before we ate dinner and then afterwards my dad would read a devotion out of this quarterly Lutheran devotion book.  They still distribute those as far as I know. We never discussed the devotions at all, so I guess they were just food for thought.  I’m sure my parents would have or perhaps did answer questions if I or my siblings asked, but I don’t remember that ever occurring.

In the Lutheran church, once in junior high a person spends the next two years in Catechism, learning about Christianity more deeply and being Lutheran in particular.  We learn about Baptism, Communion, and the Lord’s Prayer amongst many other lessons.  At the end of eighth grade, one then gets Confirmed (in the faith).  All of this was a wonderful base, but I don’t know what I felt deeply.  During the elementary years I certainly didn’t feel anything deeply enough not to steal the change out of this little box on my parent’s dresser called “The Lord’s Treasury,” which was where they put their spare change to dole out to us kids for Sunday School offering, sometimes when the Ice Cream Truck came around.

I got to experience Christianity and the Holy Spirit for the first time at a Young Life camp in Colorado when I was sixteen.  For the first time, I felt different emotionally toward the God and Jesus I’d always known about.  My friends and I continued in Young Life groups when we returned and we read our Bibles, and for many months we were probably quite different in our thoughts and actions.

Culture took ahold again, but I knew what the Truth was, I just wasn’t always willing to live by it.  I never doubted the love of God, the necessity and gift of Jesus, and I’d felt the Holy Spirit many times.  I had one foot in each of two different worlds. I practiced the part of Christianity that was easy for me; serving others, praying, and learning, but I was definitely lukewarm.  Yes, lukewarm.  Did I work hard on my faults?  Did I ask God to make me be more like Jesus on a daily basis?  Did I even bother to compare myself to Jesus?  I have to admit that I stayed fairly lukewarm until about 2005 when I read the book, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer.  I was convicted of what I had allowed to go on in my mind, and therefore m life, for many years.  I was everything wrong in every chapter!  I let my mind more or less get taken over by outside forces because I just didn’t care enough to keep them out in a sense.  That book woke me up to who I wanted to be.

I grew with the women in Bible studies over the years after that.  I read many Christian books by many Christian authors.  I just found out today that one of them, Timothy Keller, passed away last Friday.  I read the Bible, yes, but I spent a lot of time reading about Christianity. I still read and listen a lot.  I like apologetics.  I know I prayed my whole life, but my prayers became more mature.  I began to understand that God wasn’t just a “cosmic vending machine.”

I think it was in 2018 that I downloaded the YouVersion Bible app, maybe sooner, I don’t really recall, and I highly recommend it to everybody.  It is an easy way to read the Bible and do a daily devotion on any topic of your choosing.  It keeps track of what you’ve read, you can highlight verses and go back and look at verses you’ve highlighted. I have grown closer and closer to God and eventually I know I began to recognize that most of the time, I was able to show the fruits of the Spirit in my life that were definitely not as evident prior to 2005, and prior to 2018.  It’s all about growing to be more like Jesus and I am so thankful I was where I was at the end of 2022.  I ask myself, how would I have reacted?  How would I have handled it if I had not been?

Yes, I would have turned to God, of course.  Yes, all of the people who He placed in my life would have done every single thing they did.  He loved me Always, no matter how much I loved Him.  All those years I didn’t look to Him, or try to follow His ways to the best of my ability didn’t make him angry, it made Him sad because He knew what was best for me and those in my sphere (family, friends, coworkers) and yet I thought I had a better way for some reason.

Spiritually. So, now that Morgan has died, have I grown even closer?  Yes, I have to answer that in the affirmative.  This week I felt the need to listen to the book, “The Problem Of Pain” by C.S. Lewis on my walks.  It has completely blown me away for the most part.  I’ve got about thirty minutes left, and then I might just have to listen to it all over again to absorb more.  C.S. Lewis was once an atheist, so he knows how he used to think, and it is presented from that viewpoint at the outset. Spiritually, I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life, and I see no end to it.  Once you have it, you never want to “go back.” (By the way, this is on YouTube with no commercials!)

My demeanor.  On the outside I am pretty sure that I come across as I always have.  I try to.  I have never wanted to be the center of attention and I don’t want to be now.  I want to blend in and help people; no recognition needed.  On the inside, I am definitely different.  Whenever there is a spare minute not taken up by some other thought or activity, it automatically goes to something about Morgan’s life, death, or current location, or how long it might take me to get there myself.  There is a hole; a pervasive sadness that only time will heal.  I believe that two years from now, this pain will be there but not as strong and not as often.  I know that because the deep pain from the first weeks has gotten better with time.  I also know it because others who experienced this before me have said so, and there is no reason not to believe them.

My body.  I think I’ve gained a little weight.  I do not weigh myself and I don’t want to.  My clothes still fit fine, but it must be a few pounds at least.  This is because food makes me feel better very temporarily and if there is something unhealthy in the house, I will binge over just a day or two.  I’ve gotten better these last two shopping experiences to finally just not bring it in.  I feel confident that with the spring and summer here, I’ll shed these extra pounds.  Hubby is now in training himself for two to three big open water swimming events in the late summer and fall so he’s not asking to eat the bad stuff.  He never asks, but he’s happy to eat it with me if it’s around.  I think my energy level has not changed, however.

Friendships and Marriage.  Almost all of these have either remained the same or gotten stronger.  Counselors warn parents of deceased children they are now at risk in their marriage.  We were advised immediately to just give each other more grace than we might be used to doing.  Thankfully we have done so, and our marriage is as strong as it has ever been.

I am so thankful to have re-established relationships from so long ago, childhood even.  You know who you are.  It meant more than you know that you reached out to me at the beginning and that you continue to read this blog.  It did my heart so much good when I was in the darkest depths of my life that people from my past rose up and pulled me up, one at a time.  Friends from adulthood, from the different places we have lived geographically have also come strongly back into my life.  Like with the childhood friends, you meant so much to me in the season of our lives we interacted a lot, and I truly cherish those friendships.  I know that I will not let them fade away again.

All of the friendships that I have established since moving to Huntsville could not be more important to me than they are.  I am in awe of God for placing all of us together from our previous various geographic locations in this time and space. I spend my time in Gurley with people who I believe operate as Jesus always intended His Church to be like.  It only takes one person to start it in their community.  That’s what happened here, and I’m so thankful to be in this environment.

Extended Family. Some family relationships have been rekindled and a new fire is glowing.  As I’ve mentioned before, we have no family here at all, most are on the other side of the country altogether.  We would not be where we are now without the support of so many of these people.  Other extended family that I knew I could count on from the first day, were exactly who I thought they would be.  These relationships are closer than ever.  A couple relationships, although circling the drain prior to Morgan’s death, have been ended.  I know this saddens some people in my family, and I’m sorry.

I would be interested to hear from those of you who interact with me if you see any significant changes in me, either physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.  If you would like to comment, please do.  If you are more comfortable texting or calling, please do.  If you want to do neither, A-OKAY!  I feel a great love for more people with Morgan missing.  I guess the hole that she has left needs to be filled up.