Hardened Heart
Post 268
A part of my grief experience was not only dealing with the excruciating loss of Morgan on December 23rd, but suffering through the detrimental actions that Christmas of a few people who I had loved. I’ve written about them in my first post, and a few times since.
Those relationships had already been on shaky ground for ridiculous reasons, and although on December 23nd itself they came through, I still don't understand completely why what happened happened with them two days later and since. Pride?
Longtime readers know I forgave but “canceled.” I never wished bad things upon them, but I believe who they’d shown themselves to be, and knew there was no longer a reason for them to be in my world anymore.
Well, one of them is now on her deathbed - literally. My heart has been so destroyed that I am UNABLE to feel sadness about this. I feel ashamed. I feel like I should think of all the happy memories instead of the past 7 plus years when the relationship changed, but I'm unable to. Since finding out last month this person's health status, I have done my best to pray she feels no or minimal pain, and that she will see Jesus and run to Him.
If I did talk to her right now, it would only be to ask her to give messages of love to Morgan from me. That’s me right now. I suppose it’s not a good look.
As much as I love God and try to emulate His life on Earth as Jesus, I do not possess agape love right now. Talking to her would be out of cultural obligation rather than the desire of my hardened heart, and I choose to not fake it. If the life reviews are true and happen to everyone, I guess she’ll understand soon. I’m obviously struggling.
The other thing playing around in my mind these days is wondering if the people who determined to “put on” a Memorial Beach volleyball tournament and started the scholarship, actually still have the desire or time to do it. I checked on progress this past week and am told “late Spring.” At what point do I say it doesn't look like it will happen and get people their donated money back?
2024 remains different. No real deep slides downward so far. The GBH, symbolic of Mo to me, have been completely hidden no matter where I looked these past couple of weeks. I was very accustomed to them, so it feels disappointing not to be “visited” anymore. I also got to thinking about what a great name the grief group “While We're Waiting” is. It completely exemplifies my life now and forevermore.
Ecclesiastes 9:12 MSG
[12] No one can predict misfortune. Like fish caught in a cruel net or birds in a trap, So men and women are caught By accidents evil and sudden.
Oh Joan, I hope your former friend finds rest, and I hope you find rest in this.
I also hope that the tournament comes to fruition or at least a scholarship out of the funds donated.
God bless you this day and every day.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. 6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.7 My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. 8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8
I will be praying for you during these trials. I think your prayers for comfort and salvation for the person who is dying are loving. I don’t know if you would feel led just to write a short note with those thoughts to her and I don’t think you have to do that, but that would maybe be the only advice I could give. I understand completely not wanting to talk, and I don’t think you have an obligation to do so at all.
I’m praying that the tournament works out and that everyone is able to do what they had hoped to do.
I’m wondering if the herons are all in some type of breeding or migratory state right now and that’s why you’re not seeing them? I’ll read up on that for you and see if I can find out anything about their patterns But I know you know that God will even use this ‘drought’ to your good. You have so much wisdom and understanding plus a heart that seeks the Lord that I always have such a confidence that you will do the right thing and that God will bless you because you love him so much.
Sorry that my comment is almost as long as your post ! Sleep well my friend!