It’s hard to believe that I’ve begun a second year without Morgan, but I am slowly but surely beginning the change “they” say happens, where thoughts and memories bring a bit of joy instead of stabbing pain. It has happened a couple times in the past week. The further out from her parting I go, I guess the more that will happen.
I don't think I’ll ever forget going through the shock and pain of the first several months, but I also will never forget God’s continual presence either. He is and was with me. I chose and choose to see Him. If you want Him, He’s there. If you don’t, He’ll usually stay away until you call Him.
It is no accident that I am rewarded with continual encounters with the GBH. I had two more since my last post, and one let us get pretty close. God is using nature to assure me of His love and Morgan’s new life. When I see them, it now feels like I get to see her. Those moments help me move forward.
When the GBH were hidden in the summer, He provided butterfly encounters instead. I still can't believe some landed on me. In 58 years that had never happened.
Ninety nine point nine percent (99.9%) of my relationships are better and deeper starting year two than I’ve ever felt in my life. These include family and extended family, older and newer friends, but also the other bereaved parents I have become especially close with. We are the ones who make each other feel just a bit less crazy.
Readers of this blog have also impacted my journey more than you know. When I first posted on January 8th, I had no clue if anyone would read it, but there is a core group who does pretty consistently. (Substack allows writers to see various statistics.) I know most don't “like” or comment, and some readers don't subscribe, but my journey speaks to you in some positive way, and that alone gives my pain some meaning. I look forward to the ripple effects in my life review on the day I “transition” to see how it impacts you.
All of you help, all of you! But I now feel compelled to call out certain individuals by first name in my gratitude, so you know how deeply I needed you in this past year’s journey. Some of you were physically present, and some virtually only, but all impacted me to be able to cope. For some I’ll say why, and others I won't. No particular order of impact. I’m just listing as they come to mind.
Greg my hubby who walks down this road missing her most after me. My hubby allows me to be me, for better or for worse.
Jeanne who was physically there when I needed her most countless times. Hugs provided.
Donna who has experienced deep grief and shows great empathy. She captured and created my vision for the small candle urns absolutely perfectly.
Kresen stepped into my creative void to help with the bulletins for the Celebration of Life service. She was also a terrific sounding board in some of my darker moments during the year.
Marilyn for going through it the same time I am. Crying together. Being strong with each other. Prayers.
Jenny for being there in so many ways as a cousin, but who now has to live the nightmare herself. My life would not be the same without you stepping into the sister role the best you could.
Janet who early on reached out with a poem that I have referred to several times. For being there for Jenny.
Nancy who virtually stepped in as a reader and commenter early on, giving me the assurance of my nature signs, as well as reaching out to me outside of the blog and providing information and assistance regarding Morgan’s hospital “treatment.”
Bellatrix who is my number one encourager of my posts. She kept me writing by knowing I impacted somebody! Also she revealed many times she prays for me and that helps.
Diane who stepped back into my life with prayer and love.
Sharon who stepped back into my life with prayer and love.
Dawn who stepped back into my life with prayer and love.
Jill who is one of my most cherished literally lifelong friends. You stepped up as emcee, always humble, always fun, always giving, including commenting that my writing has impacted your life for the better. It’s a gift to hear those words to any writer.
Jill my SIL. I will never forget your help when it was needed most.
Michele knows that God orchestrated our meeting again at our reunion in August. You felt compelled to go even though you didn't want to. Our “walk and talk” conversations help us both navigate this crazy world just a little better.
Shelley for loving me for who I am.
Krista for loving me for who I am.
Roger, another virtual friend met through my posts, for showing me where I might be in a few years and giving me a writing buddy.
Jennifer Incognito, yet another virtual friend from substack, who encourages when I post, but also writes her own beautifully relatable prayers on her own site.
Trish for letting God use you to love me and so many others. You are truly a vessel of His love. You get that His Presence is as close as you want it.
Sophie for bringing laughter into my life and inspiring me to continue the project we started.
Kit for remembering me and knowing what I must be feeling. Being family.
David for being humble enough to do the right thing when it was presented to you. If you had not, my year would have been much worse, almost unimaginable. For encouraging my posts and letting me know they impact you positively.
Sarah for your prayers and friendship. One of the busiest people I know, but always full of grace and love. Your gift of reading my partially finished draft and discussing it with me, gave me the confidence to keep going. Seriously, if you had not showed me the enthusiasm and that you “got it” I would have slow walked it. It has given me knew life these last couple months when I needed to be distracted.
Susan for the love and encouragement of writing, but also for being an example of making it with love of God intact after losing not one, but two children.
I know I’m leaving out a few people so please forgive me.
There are a few more people but I don't think they read this blog, and my list is to publicly thank those of you who do.
Love those in your path, especially the ones chosen to be closest to you; your families. Work at fixing the rifts and fissures that have separated you from them. I, too, will work on my own heart when it comes to that, but at the beginning of 2024, it feels like it will take years, if ever, and that's okay. I know God understands and loves me regardless.
Be an encourager. Be Salt and light. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year Joan, I’m thankful that I got to be part of Morgan’s ceremony, when you told me what happened all I wanted was to take away your pain but I knew I couldn’t and it leaves you feeling helpless but I’d like to think I helped just a little. I’m thankful I got to visit you and meet some of your beautiful friends that have supported you and Greg through this difficult time. Love you 💕
Happy New Year Joanie. I was thinking last night that we are here to make much of God. And I know you don’t see the impact you are making, but you are a beautiful picture of God’s grace and are making MUCH of Him. May He continue to bless you with more of Him in 2024. I’m so thankful for you and our friendship.