I am a little reluctant to write tonight because I don't like being a “downer,” but since I’m chronicling my life story after Morgan’s death, it all should be revealed.
I was pretty good last week, on Saturday, and even waking up on Mother’s Day. The pain of her loss was there, but not out front. It was doable. As the morning wore on, however, after my walk the pain deepened and deepened. I really felt like I didn't want to do anything, and I barely had any appetite. I more or less told hubby that nothing was going to help and I just needed to get through it. He tried to give me a nice Mother's Day, but it just wasn't happening. My son got ahold of me, and that was nice of course. I ended up laying out in the sun on a lounge chair for much of the day, watched some t.v., and a little bit of book reading thrown in.
I usually spend most of my “thinking about Morgan” time picturing her blissfully up in heaven, having a great time doing whatever they do. I’m happy for her. But Mother's Day made me look at missing her right here, right now. I wasn't able to think too many happy thoughts of fun memories and be thankful for the time we had. All I could feel was the loss.
Today I woke up with exactly the same countenance. The hole in my heart has opened back up. It literally felt almost as fresh as near the beginning. I had trouble even getting out of bed for the first time in a very long time, but I eventually had to, starting work 15-20 minutes later than normal. (For the newest readers, I work remote)
When I took my walk mid-day, I hoped I’d see the representation I use for her, the Great Blue Heron (GBH) and sure enough when I was almost done, “she” showed up in a flooded field, another one flying in front of me, and then I spotted one from my car while driving home. They lifted my spirits SOMEWHAT, but from very low to just up a level.
I know that I’ll get past this. Even as I write this, more cloud is lifting. I think it is good to allow myself to feel everything I feel though. Why try to stuff it down?
I do miss her. I do wish she was here. I realize that it is even harder for people who I’m very close to - Rock 2 my cousin and W3 my friend - who lost children who were physically in their lives day in and day out. They miss their very physical presences often. I only got to see Morgan physically an average of probably six times a year since 2017. We talked or texted pretty much daily though.
The thoughts today are just to God. “Can’t I be done here already?”
She is a part of you and never apart from you, even though she is no longer here. Even though you lived in different cities, that doesn't mean she wasn't a daily presence in your life. I pray that you find comfort in this difficult time and through the ups and downs.
The name of your blog says it all because I can’t imagine the pain. Oh how I pray you and Rock 2 and W3 and get comfort and relief.