Comparing Grief

I spent the weekend at a While We’re Waiting Retreat here in Huntsville.  (www.whilewerewaiting.org).  We’d first heard about it from the counselor right after Morgan passed.  My counselor had volunteered in some other organization with the woman, Karen Harmening, who facilitates here with her husband.  They lost their 17-year old daughter, Sarah, in 2017 while she was on a bus on the way to the Atlanta airport for a mission trip in Botswana, Africa.  Here is a link from the accident back at the time if you’re interested.

https://www.cnn.com/2017/06/08/us/atlanta-church-bus-crash/index.html

A couple days before the retreat, my hubby decided he was not ready to participate yet and I was on the fence about going alone.  Karen, of course, understood, but let me know that there would be a few single moms there as well. When I wrote about having to make the decision several nights ago, it was the encouragement of one of my friends who commented here that pushed me to the side of going. Thank you for deciding to make that comment!

Friday night was pretty nerve-wracking.  We all gave a word that described our current feelings, and many gave the word “anxious.”  I gave the word “emotional” as I had already been crying that day in anticipation.  Everyone seemed very nice and the first stories told that night were heart-wrenching.  As I wrote last night, I skipped the breakfast portion yesterday and then enjoyed getting to know the other parents more and more, told a watered-down version of Morgan’s life and passing, listened to six more stories and thus the friendships and bonds became stronger.

We finished out the evening with a board of topics that we parents face, everything from holidays to the child’s bedroom, to counseling, and perhaps fifteen other topics.  We shared our experiences of these topics.

This morning we had a wonderful breakfast, talked about our children freely to each other, took pictures, gave our contact information so we could all be in touch, especially on the important birth and death days, but anytime in between as well, and had a wonderful devotion and some singing.  I was not familiar with these particular songs, but the first one’s words were heart wrenching and got me crying.  I never sang a word through the entire three songs.

So how do I see myself?  For one, thankful that I have had the experience I have had so far.  My hubby and I, as even told by our counselor, are doing remarkably well, and after hearing from many of these parents, I understand better what that means.  For me, because I knew that God had me in His hands from the very first moment (actually prior) of hearing the devastating news from the doctor; that He had put into place two children of his, complete strangers to me, who could be His hands and feet when I needed them most, and then the way we were surrounded by His love through family and friends, much of the sources and timing too statistically in the stratosphere to be chance, allowed me to experience grief through the eyes of love. I have to thank all of you who have been there for me and my family.  I knew it was a blessing at the time, but I know it all the more now.  Hubby and I cannot think of even one inappropriate thing that was said to either of us from the friends who surrounded us then and now.  There was not one inappropriate text I can think of, and even friends from long ago somehow sent a text or sent an email or a card, and never made me think, “What were they thinking?”  Yes, I had a horrific incident on Christmas that I needed to get through, but I did within a few DAYS, NOT A FEW WEEKS OR MONTHS, and it doesn’t weigh me down. It was clear to me what I needed to do and I did it.

Many of these people are the first in their family or friend groups to be going through such a terrible loss.  My family and friend group I can count six!  I can see and experience with my own eyes that each of these people have survived.  They were all role models and I am a strong person and knew I could make it just like they did.  I will say that I know that at least 5 of the 6 rely on their faith to make it.  (The sixth could, but we have never talked about it)

If you have read my substack for the last few months, you’ll understand that I am open to the signs of God’s love, whether it is birds or people, and I recognize when He’s “communicating” with me.  It can be downright eerie that something occurs immediately after a thought.  But that also gives me comfort!

What was wonderful about the weekend was talking about Morgan.  I don’t get to communicate directly with her anymore, which was practically an everyday thing for us for her almost 25 years.  We were very close.  I have a zillion stories and I am so blessed to have hundreds of texts I can go back and look at any time I want to.  I have a lot of video footage and a lot of pictures.  I can continue to feel close to her anytime I want to.  We have not yet opened her laptop.  I’m not sure when we ever will, but that will probably be full of a few more surprises to experience her new again.  But I love talking about her and I will probably do more of it in this substack.  It felt good.

The friends I have made since moving here never knew Morgan.  It is not natural for me or them to talk about her to each other.  Many of my friends from our previous life have been there for me, but one of the things that was most special about the Celebration of Life, was hearing about her again.  I have said to a couple of her friends, “hey, keep in touch” which they say they will, but I am 100% sure it will have to be me to initiate the communication.  I understand.  But I’m going to do it.  I want to hear stories I’ve never heard if they are willing to tell them!

I had a glass of wine with one new friend on our afternoon break yesterday.  We talked about our kids!  This is what I’m going to take away from this.  Two other moms approached me this morning and said they want to have lunch sometime and not lose touch.  I’m on board 100%.  We can talk about our kids!

Don’t get me wrong.  Hubby and I talk about Morgan a lot.  But it’s fun to share stories with new people, and there are people who are comfortable asking.  If you find it in you to ask, ask. If not, that’s fine, too.  The same woman whose comment pushed me over the edge to going, is a friend from Ohio.  We went to two different churches together, both leaving the first for pretty much the same reason.  We were always friendly, but not get-together all the time friends.  But you know how you just know when someone else experiences their faith the same way you do?  That’s her!  I appreciate you, S!  I know you pray for me and my family, and I want you to know that I pray for your’s, too.  All of you who share your stories with me here or in person, please continue!  Stories are medicine!

Hubby said I seem worse for the wear since coming back.  I was exhausted both Friday night and Saturday night.  It was a lot!  I have been handling this grief well, so why put myself through it?  For exactly the reasons I hope I just stated.  Friendships, openness, bonds, love.  I can be a wreck for a couple nights for a lifetime worth of benefit.