Because She Left

Post 291

I have so much to write about. Put your feet up and prepare for a long read.

First the title. Although it would make good sense to have titled it “Because She Died,” I usually don't think of Morgan as dead, but rather alive in another realm. I am never able to feel her presence, but the signs throughout 2024, especially the last one I’ll get to later, have solidified this understanding.

I know more than ever that I will be spending eternity with her, and I’ve really reached a place of true gratitude for her life and acceptance of her absence. It doesn't mean I don't miss her or I'm glad things worked out like they did, but positive things have taken place.

I'm starting with now and working backwards to my last post. I’m in the final day of the Utah portion of my vacation. This time tomorrow night CST, I’ll probably just be arriving home.

I am here because Morgan lived and left. It was on my way to Utah when the realization hit me like a ton of bricks while up in the clouds. I remembered that it made me cry when I was flying to Ohio in late January because I’d thought it was the nearest I had been to her physically. This time tears were brought on by the realization that there is almost a zero chance I’d be vacationing in Utah, going to see my oldest brother and his family, many whom I had not seen since as far back as 1997 while pregnant with Morgan, if she was still alive here on Earth.

I’ve mentioned before that the relationship with this brother was fine, but distance and other priorities had managed to make for astonishing long gaps of non-visitation. He was the one, however, who picked up the sibling mantle of checking on me every week at the beginning, and still at least every few weeks, now almost twenty months later. During these calls, I heard many interesting stories of his life I’d never known, and he really wanted me to come visit.

While on one of the early year “Walk & Talks” with my highschool reunion friend, Michele, I mentioned the invite and she casually mentioned she always wanted to go there. I immediately invited her and through time of working out the details, it became a reality.

How could I not realize that I was going to a place I wouldn't be going, and spending time with people I wouldn't be if Mo hadn't left? It was fresh in my mind because the recent trip to Ohio had caused the same realization in a couple instances. It’s a little hard to navigate the dichotomy. I’m happy for these things (new and improved relationships), but they don’t happen without Mo’s absence from this world.

This past week, Michele and I had major adventures hiking. First up last Wednesday was Bryce Canyon in 100 degree heat, she way more prepared than me, but that’s how I roll. The altitude kicked my butt, too. We had basic ideas of how we would spend each day, but we were each flexible if one of us threw out a different idea. Bryce was an almost perfect day though.

Thursday morning we drove from Bryce to Zion. We’d been spoiled with such an easy day that we got a little frustrated with the enormous crowds and additional heat in Zion. We scrapped our plans for the hike we thought we’d do, The Narrows, out of an abundance of caution (weather related), and spent another 100 plus degree hiking around the Emerald pools.

One of the funniest, most memorable parts of that day was when we finally made it up to the Upper Pool. I tend to sneeze in 3's and while sitting in the shade near the “entrance” with six or seven little groups scattered about the area, mostly Europeans, I sneezed and several people at a time called out “Bless You” after each one. It felt surreal actually after the 3rd, and I stood and shouted out something like, “Yes, I am blessed” and everyone laughed.

The car riding for us was almost as enjoyable as our hiking experiences. We like to talk about the nitty gritty of life, what the future looks like for our country and the world, spiritual discussions, and also stop and take pictures of landscape we find breathtaking. We went back to Bryce so we could capture the sunrise on Friday morning, which we did. It was a bit cloudy, as were our sunset pictures the first night, but still glorious!

Back in Heber City, my brother and sister-in-law seemed to really enjoy the pictures Michele was able to mirror on the TV from her iPhone. Up in age, their hiking days are over, but they knew a lot about the geology and it was just a really nice evening!

Saturday morning it was the local Bridal Veil falls early and Park City after that. It was really fun! Late Saturday afternoon, my nieces and nephews and their families who live locally all came over for a cookout. I’d seen some of the kids as babies and youngsters before I got off Facebook 4.5 years ago, and now some of them are adults! My nieces and nephews have beautiful families and even Michele, who thought she might leave while we all did our family thing, felt so welcomed and comfortable, she never did. Somehow, I don't think it’ll be anywhere near as long before I make a return visit.

On Sunday morning, we still wanted to experience as much of the area as we could, so we went back to Park City to capture some Banksy art my oldest niece, Jen, had told us was there. I’m so out of the cultural loop, I didn't know who Banksy was, but I do now.

One final hike in Wasatch State park before she’d have to catch her flight. How cool is this glacier outcropping?

Today I worked for a good part of the day, and I’d had to put in an hour or so all the other days as well. Not ideal, but it is what it is. Mid afternoon, my sister-in-law wanted to show me more of this area she grew up in, her father a cowboy, and we got our own excitement when an 8 minute wind and hail storm pelted us on a rural ranching road. It was crazy loud and we watched the cows trying to find a way to move out of it. Some found relief under a tree, but eventually followed the herd to another location because that's what they do. I guess that's what most of us do, too. Jane and I were so happy to have experienced it in that rural spot and with each other - not alone. It wouldn't have been near as fun!

Just before the hail. (Above)

None of this is experienced if my beautiful Mo was still on Earth. Can you understand how happiness mixes with loss? I choose to be thankful for what her life and death have brought me and only look forward to my Reunion with her someday.

Working back to my July 26th-30th trip to Ohio, which now feels like several weeks ago, I have deepened ongoing friendships with people who I had thought would remain in my past once I moved to Alabama. Each friendship is as unique as we are as humans, and I just appreciate them a lot.

On Saturday in place of the tournament, I met with a friend who I honestly thought I’d never talk to again. Our lifelong friendship deteriorated around 2004 for unspecified reasons. There hadn't been an argumentative ending, but we just couldn't or didn't make it work. I had received a nice thoughtful card from her on one of my roughest days in early 2023. I’d planned to thank her at the highschool reunion that August, but she couldn't go, and then I’d forgotten again until that first tournament was scheduled for June 22nd, at which point I found her info and wrote her a card mentioning where I’d be if she wanted to stop by.

She did stop by, but nobody was there! She contacted me again and I let her know the rescheduled date but told her I thought there was a 50% chance it wouldn't happen again. When it didn't, we arranged to meet and boy oh boy, it really was like old times. We caught each other up about the last couple of decades and reestablished a friendship. It feels wonderful to know that the end was not the end afterall. This is likely to never have been if Mo had not lived and left.

It was Sunday the 28th that a sign from God or Mo was received that actually even precipitated me putting away the two unframed prints that have moved from time to time in our home office.

My young friend S was responsible for taking care of our pets while hubby was in Vermont and I was in Ohio. She texted asking me if a feather on the bed was for my cat to play with. The feather she spoke of was a GBH feather I’d picked up on Father’s Day 2023, and had been stuck between the wall and a framed GBH print that had been a gift from Michele late last year.

If it were to be loose, it would surely fall to the ground, not on the bed 2-3 feet away. I know Mo loved Milo so much, and this would be appropriate, also confirming her agreement with using the scholarship donations for cat cages. Pretty cool! I’ve accepted that she’s alive and can somehow make contact. I don't understand it, but I like it, and I hope it continues however it will.

I’m not the only one this type of thing happens to. They are alive. They or God wants us to know it. They may not be miles up above in the atmospheric heavens. They may be just on the other side of a veil we can't see, where they see clearly and we see nothing. This is my working hypothesis and it makes me happy to think about it this way. She left….but she’s near.

I got to spend quality time with my cousin, my adopt-a-dad, and my awesome neighbor to round out my Ohio trip, while seeing my son and more family in Nashville on the way home.

Thank you to all my friends and family! You are what matters! As you can probably tell, I'm getting tired. I had planned to write more about Ohio, sharing my thoughts on a few podcasts I’d listened to while driving. I will devote another post to those in due time.