We had a wonderful visit with our son but he had to fly back today, and most likely it will be in the vicinity of two months before we see him again. He’s putting out resumes to try to move here or within a few hours at most. I know God’s will will be done, so I’m not anxious or stressing it, but it sure would be nice.
I had a busy afternoon of work and took the dog out after an early dinner. It was on the way to the shaded McMullen walk that a sadness attack took hold. I began reviewing our short time with our son and the goodbye, while simultaneously knowing I’m never going to get these jaunts and goodbyes with Morgan. It makes me miss all that was supposed to come in the future, and recall that on December 17th, when I said my final “normal” goodbye to her after that visit, that I had no idea that was the last normal hug and the last normal “I love you.”
It made me remember the line from the podcast a couple weeks ago that I said affected me, but I haven't yet written about. The gist is that our children are truly a gift, on loan to us from God, and we did nothing to deserve them. I feel like I lived too busily, squandering the gift, not cherishing it quite enough, and I know everyone that knows me will say that’s not the case, but it feels like it. I’m not saying I did something wrong so God took her away from me as punishment- no! But in my heart I know I’d parent differently than I did if I got a do over.
I listened to a great podcast for the walk, one I may talk about in the future, but it finished before I got back to the car. I opened Pandora and the Elton John song “Someone Saved my Life Tonight” began playing and the tears flowed freely again. Once they start, anything can keep them going, but how could I not think of the picture I shared yesterday and all my butterfly experiences?
"You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away bye bye"I have to get back into the mode where I can handle her passing best- where she is and not where she’s not. Goodbye again for now…
I’m even crying while I write this one…
He will swallow up death [and abolish it] for all time. And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, And He will take away the disgrace of His people from all the earth; For the Lord has spoken.
Isaiah 25:8
Praying for you sweet friend ❤️
Peace be with you Joan. I am still here with my children, but we have talked a lot about imperfect parenting since much of my professional life I spent too much time at work. My children do not remember that. They remember I was present when it counted and that they could count on me when they needed me. Like SuzyQ said, Morgan believed you to be a good mom who gave her what she needed. Praying for you daily as you find your new normal.