Accepting Reality

This past week is kind of a blur.  I dove into the details of setting up her Celebration of Life service - both the location where the service/speakers/pictures/music will occur, and also the Morgan Smith Memorial Beach Volleyball Tournament right after, where people can play or watch her sport while celebrating her life with food, drink, and positive memories.  Proceeds from the entries are going to go to the Morgan Smith Beach Scholarship, currently being set up by her high school beach club, Ohio Valley Beach VB. When these people jumped in with this intention when they found out on Dec. 27th about her death on Dec. 23rd, it really helped ease the pain both then and now. Please start praying for beautiful weather on April 8th!

Sleep was still elusive for more than 2 to 2.5 hours at a time.  I actually felt okay physically during the day each day, but my brain would never turn off anything about Morgan -literally every waking moment when I wasn’t the least bit distracted.

On Wednesday, I went to the home of a new friend in our Euchre (card game) group.  We’ve been friends only since the spring, and only knew about each other’s lives through the usual chit chat.  I did know that she took pottery up as a hobby in her retirement starting a few years ago, and sentimental me thought she’d be the perfect person to create a couple ceramic urns for what I guess I’ll call the “keepsake” ashes. (The ones that aren’t spread where we intend to.)  One for us and one for Morgan’s brother.  Morgan absolutely loved candles.  I knew the keepsake urns would have to have a candle incorporated and we came up with what will work.  She’s a little nervous, but I told her she doesn’t know me well enough to know that I’m not the type to look for perfection.  She’s good, and I know what she will create will be perfect for us.

Thursday was the dreaded day of going back to Birmingham to “get Morgan.”  Terrible weather was expected in Alabama that day, so my husband planned for us to leave early and accounted for time delay driving slower in the rain. We barely had any rain on our way down there, but I did get texts from Rock 3 and my pottery friend mentioning how bad the storm was in our area. (We in fact, did lose power for most of the day it appears.  Spectrum sends service out and restored alerts)

It was very very painful picking her ashes up.  A new band of the storm was also headed for Birmingham area at this time.  We went to her apartment and gathered a load of her things, stuffing both our car and her own, still parked there.  It was pretty excruciating.  Rain began coming in pretty heavy as we loaded the last amount we could fit, and we got a little soaked. We saw on radar that the storm was only going to get worse, so we headed out, and once we left the metro area, had clear skies and sun.  Removing the items from both cars once at home also tore our hearts to bits.

Our usual bi-weekly Euchre game was set up for that night and I’d told the group I was a 50-50.  Would I be too tired or too grieved to even make a go of it?  Or would this be a welcome distraction?  Remember, I am at this time, thinking of nothing but Morgan, since 4:30 am that day, and there were no distractions whatsoever.  My brain was feeling crazy.  Would I ever think of anything else?  I had to give it a try, so my pottery friend and her husband picked me up to go.  I drank a bit more than usual, knowing I did not have to drive, and playing with this group was actually just what I needed.  It was over two hours of complete distraction!  It’s almost like my brain got to reset, because for the first time since Dec. 23rd, I actually slept.  My first stint was probably 10:45 pm to 2:45 am, then 3:30 to 6:30 I think.  I did have a slight hangover for a few hours, but nothing major.  It just reminded me of how old I am now, and I’ve got to keep it to the usual social level.

One of the members of our Euchre group and I were partners about midway through the evening.  We don’t always have the “right” amount of players so once in a while a couple of us at a time will sit out and talk. In the past he and I had told each other about our families.  During this game he looked at me and asked, “So how are your kids?”

Unfortunately, he had missed the previous game two weeks earlier when Rock 3 had told the group, and they just forgot to inform him.  I just said, “That’s not a question you want to ask right now.”  It was a shock to all of us at that table, but we moved on immediately and kept playing as if it had never been said.  I have since learned that later that night he was told, and unfortunately had lost a son of his own.

Yesterday (Friday) I did just a very small amount of work, mostly moving through emails, and began more phone calls regarding the business side of Morgan’s death.  After having slept well on Thursday night, I actually felt and feel I am beginning the accepting phase, which I am sure is something I will deal with every day for the rest of my life.  Yesterday I was busy.  I had to do such things as clean the oven from a mishap with muffin batter during that week after Christmas.  We haven’t been able to use the oven because it smoked too much.  We had some fresh stuffed salmon we wanted to eat before it got bad, so the chore was rigorous but fulfilling, and boy was the salmon good!  I had my best night of sleep yet.  I took a benedryl and although I did awaken a little, it wasn’t for long enough to even check the time. I think I might have slept for eight hours. 

I’m still hearing from friends a lot, both far and near.  One old friend had lost a sibling while we were in high school.  He sent me a text this morning, copying the words of a remembrance post he’d made over a year ago on facebook, part of which quoted his mom at his brother’s funeral. “God brought X to us as a loan from heaven and today God has taken him home.”  Then my friend continued his text, “I never thought of life that way.  We are on loan to one another. To love and care for. It is not for us to worry about death.  We are here to live.  I live each day in faith over fear…..I live not recklessly, but grateful for the life I have been given and unafraid of the death we will encounter one day….I miss him. I am happy for the times we shared and that he is rewarded in heaven and has allowed me the insight to live a good and fulfilling life among family and friends!”

Today’s song is from The War and Treaty, which fits very well with what my friend texted. This group was the opening act for Lauren Daigle here in Huntsville last spring.  It was awe inducing the way they got all attendees involved in this song. They did not have an official one with lyrics to this so I used a different YT user’s video.